Saturday, February 09, 2008 . 10:04 AM
When Chinese New Year is a time of reunion and joyous occasion for Chinese families to get together, i can only remember that i seldom felt that we were happy.
Many bad things had happened in the past and unfortunately they occurred right before CNY. Even tho i'm a person who doesn't like to look back to the past, i can't help recalling.
Before my dad had stroke, every CNY, every CNY eve or the 1st day, my whole family would DEFINITELY quarrel. Quarrel over every single small little things. My bro and i hated CNY. Even before any arguement, we already presume there would be one. Everyone would be highly strung up, angry emotions soon followed.
And then my dad had his stroke in around Dec 03. My mom flew to China to take care of him. The next year's CNY, we had to spend it without our parents. I don't know if anyone understands how that feel. I never felt happy about CNY, but that beats better than not having any family members around right. We only had my cousin's family, who provided the warmth of a family temporarily, but it also brought out the stark contrast between what would happen to my family from theirs. It brought out the loneliness and pining for my parents even more.
My mom on the other hand spent the CNY struggling to take care of my dad and fighting the terrible winter cold. She had employed 2 male nurses to help her. In China, they don't assigned caretakers or nurses to you, you have to employ them. She was practically at their mercies, as the guys was always demanding to be paid. And even tho they had agreed to stay back and help take care of my dad during CNY, they went back on their words and went back to their hometown, leaving my mom all alone in the winter to take care of my dad whom she had to constantly carry and support...my dad couldn't get up from his bed back then. So my mom had a horrible memory abt the sufferings she endured for my dad.
This year, as usual, not much visitings. Only Hsiaolin's family came over. I was terribly bored.
But at the same time, i was terribly worried about my mom. Her facial expression was looking more n more strained by each passing day. I knew the inevitably has come again.
When i go back to work on MOnday, my colleagues are gonna ask abt my CNY. And what am i going to tell them? That it was bad? That i did nothing and there was nothing interested except for the thing about how i tot my mom committed suicide?
There are a few things in life that really terrifies me. One is how i really dread receiving phonecall in the middle of the night or early in the morning. And if the person on the line is a relative from Kuching.......... i hold my breath and wonder, who is it this time? With my maternal grandma passing away last year, who else could that be? My maternal grandma's passing away triggered my mom's depression and it hasn't been the same since then...... so i had a few scares recently when relatives called unexpectedly..
2nd, realities can sometimes be really harsh and unforgiving. The reality is that my mom used to talk about jumping off the building to end her troubles in this world. And it is so real..why? Bcos my bro and i took measures to lock up the windows etc as much as we can do to prevent her from doing silly things. Sometimes, i think about what i would do if she really jumped.
This morning, she suddenly woke me up and told mi to go for a walk with her bcos she cannot stop thinking abt things. I got up and got changed and washed up, checked the clock and it's only 7.30am. Very worried abt my mom and frankly speaking i'm also tired, i donoe wat other problems are there this time and every time this happens, nothing gets solved but we all get upset. So i brought along a packet of tissue in case we cry while taking a stroll. And then i couldn't find my mom in the house anymore. I went to my door and saw that it was unlocked, the outside gate was opened, not even closed properly.
Do you know my 1st instinct was to get out of the house, without shoes, went to the two balconies of my corridor and looked downwards. TO SEE IF MY MOM JUMPED OR WAT!!!!
But of cos i couldn't see any traces of that. I went back to the house, to make sure she really wasn't in the house anymore, checked all the windows. ANy idea how i panicked? Any idea how much i prayed that God please don't let that happen. Please don't. And i played the scenario about finding her body, about how i'm going to cope in the future again and again and again, so many times i've played it in my head.
I took the lift down and saw her sitting at the excercise corner. I persuaded her to take a walk, go to the church behind. At least she could pray and feel better. WE took a LONG walk in silence. And when we passed the church, she refused to go in. Then we went home, and she starting telling mi things.
I'm very upset. Yes i am. But haven't i been upset before? Yes i have. So nothing new here.
She talked about leaving. She asked how am i going to cope when she's not around. ANd after her suicide scare, i asked wat she meant. No answers. And i told her please don't commit suicide.
She said she wanna go elsewhere n stay. She really cannot stay and look at my dad everyday in the same house. BUt she's too soft hearted to leave us like this. She's sorry that she has to put the burdens on us. She's juz trapped, and driven by guilt and misery.
During these 2 days of cny, my dad and her had been silently avoiding each other in the house. That's how bad it is.
She talked about the possibility of sending my back to Kuching, as suggested by my DEAR relatives in Kuching. And haven't we already tasted their very 'nice' treatment a few yrs ago when they persuaded my parents to go back to Kuching? That was one hell of a GREAT experience. How dare they suggest bringing my dad back again.
Why do pple delight so much in breaking this family up? I don't get it. Why does this family have to break up. Why does my mom have to leave when there's a home here for her. Why does my dad needs to go to a nursing home?
There are plans of putting him in a nursing home in Kuching. ..... KUCHING!!! Their wonderful suggestion again.
I hate the idea of it. MY heart hurts so much....so much... who would wan to put their parents in a freaking nursing home?! Tell me...who?!
ANd kuching? Why doesn't anyone get the idea that noone would want their family members to be seperated like this? Why don't anyone get it?
Why ??? If they are so helpful, why can't my dad b in a singapore's nursing home and they can help with the money. Why not?
My mom is scaring me. She said things like this may jolly well be the last CNY together as a family.....
And i don't get why...things have to be this way..
家不像家， 有个家却没个家庭有什么用??。。。一个好好的家搞到最后我才发现原来这个家根本就不是一个家。 在好几年前就已经不存在。。。我还在执着着什么!!
将来的路怎么走。。。
谁真正能了解呢。。。。。。。。。。。
谁能了解我的心多么的痛。。。
Except...only my God...
16 Hear me, O LORD, for Your lovingkindness is good;
Turn to me according to the multitude of Your tender mercies.
17 And do not hide Your face from Your servant,
For I am in trouble;
Hear me speedily.
18 Draw near to my soul, and redeem it;
Deliver me because of my enemies.
19 You know my reproach, my shame, and my dishonor;
My adversaries are all before You.
20 Reproach has broken my heart,
And I am full of heaviness;
I looked for someone to take pity, but there was none;
And for comforters, but I found none.
21 They also gave me gall for my food,
And for my thirst they gave me vinegar to drink.
29 But I am poor and sorrowful;
Let Your salvation, O God, set me up on high.
30 I will praise the name of God with a song,
And will magnify Him with thanksgiving.
31 This also shall please the LORD better than an ox or bull,
Which has horns and hooves.
32 The humble shall see this and be glad;
And you who seek God, your hearts shall live.
33 For the LORD hears the poor,
And does not despise His prisoners.
.
.
.
.
34 Let heaven and earth praise Him,
The seas and everything that moves in them.
35 For God will save Zion
And build the cities of Judah,
That they may dwell there and possess it.
36 Also, the descendants of His servants shall inherit it,
And those who love His name shall dwell in it.
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