Tuesday, February 19, 2008 . 9:14 PM
Everyone has periods. But why do i have it worse? Why is my life so crippled by PMS and painful unbearable menstrual cramps. Note: True symptoms of PMS do not begin until after Day 13, any symptoms you experience earlier in your cycle may have another cause. However, you should still include any symptoms you experience on Days 1 to 13 on your menstrual cycle calendar. Finally, these symptoms must be present in the absence of any pharmacological treatments, hormone ingestion, or drug or alcohol use. Social or economic performance must also be identifiably dysfunctional by one of the following for true diagnosis of PMS.
Since my last month, i've stopped taking primrose to see the lack of primrose in my life. Apparently, the lack of it resulted in more PMS symptoms, prolonged PMS and days and days of cramps even before menstruation started.
Even tho primrose doesnt take away all the cramps but at least my PMS wasn't that long and painful. I'm beginning to think that once i'm on primrose i shouldn't be off it, or the withdrawal from it will result in super unbearable experience.
Boy i feel like i just wasted 1.5 weeks of my life being in pain, crippled by the inconveniences that was brought about by having a soft, wobbly legs, aka weakness in both legs. And slight uncomfortable cramps around abdominal 3 days before menstrual. One day before menstruation, i even had slight swelling of my feet -_-. My feet were cold for 1.5 weeks. And sore from swelling somemore. It sucked. And i don't even know anyone else who gets it as badly as i do!!
That was only the physical part. What about emotional? The more the period was delayed, the more frustrated i felt. Like macham i've all the pent up emotion. It's tough being a woman. And it's tougher when the freaking period refuses to come. My prolonged misery with PMS. And bad temper. But this month, something new....i started getting emotional. I wasn't depressed, but i could cry as easily as watching a touching scene on the tv. Stories like mother and child love or father and child love easily makes me cry a bucket. And then i couldn't stop crying.......to the point i asked myself...why the hell am i crying over nothing?!
Women whose symptoms of PMS are mild usually see the disappearance of their symptoms on Day 1, while women with more severe symptoms may have PMS or PMDD symptoms that last into Days 3 or 4 of their next menstrual cycle. PMS Diagnostic Criteria
The most commonly used and accepted diagnostic criteria for PMS is one developed by the University of California, San Diego. To meet these diagnostic criteria for PMS, a woman must self-report at least one physical symptom and one mental symptom during the five days preceding menstruation. These symptoms are: The Physical Symptoms Of PMS
Mental Symptoms of PMS
The next requirement for a diagnosis of PMS is that these symptoms must disappear by Day 4 and not recur until Day 14. Diagnostic Criteria for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder or PMDD
PMDD is a severe form of PMS that includes severe symptoms of depression, anxiety, and irritability before menstruation begins. These symptoms must occur during the last week before menstruation starts. Approximately three to eight percent of menstruating women experience PMDD. According to the DSM-IV, the accepted diagnostic criteria for PMDD must include at least five of the following symptoms:
The previous symptoms must occur in addition to the required physical and mental symptoms required for PMS diagnosis for diagnosis of PMDS to occur.
So for me....
Physically : abdominal bloating yes... swelling of extremities...yes!! headaches were experienced but was bearable.
mentally: Fatigue (especially with the of climbing trees last week) but yeah fatigue, irritability (do i need to say more?), mood swings ( even without PMS i get mood swings like as fast as flipping a page of a book, but i think that's quite an achievement rather than crippling..the difference when it's PMS is that the mood swings bother me to hell. i hate myself. )
Socially: decreased social activity ( i stopped dancing for a week plus now... and becos of my discomfort i didn't really want to meet anyone..), relationship problems ( of cos it affected me and mr Albert), being late for work ( but i'm late everyday.............), seeking help for physical condition ( yes i took like dozens of panadol menstrual...kidding..i took like 4 pills, which is like major alot for someone who is anti-paracetamol)
PMDD :
So for pple who are interested in relieving their PMS :
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Monday, February 18, 2008 . 10:44 PM
Let me share a part of my life with you guys.
Yesterday, which was a Sunday. I had my usual sunday of Church service and bible study. But since 3rd Feb, our whole church has embarked on these 40 days of community by Rick Warren. Yeah the guy who wrote Purpose Driven Life. 40 days. Just nice and in time for Lent.
So for something that's more out of the usual, we committed ourselves, our group to serving a block near our church, to bless the residents. Let them know that Jesus could walk out of a church building and into their lives. So yesterday, after our whole day of church, we packed some oranges that we bought ourselves into small little red auspicious bags to distribute to the residents. We had no car, no trolleys, we just carried everything by hand and walked to the block.
To tell the truth, the day didn't start off well for me. I've been suffering under the pains of pms, as in my legs had been wobbly and i couldn't stand for 5 mins without sitting down. It's been going on for like a week. If you ask me if i felt like going up and down a 10 storey building talking to residents, i can tell you...i rather want to sit down lar. And my group, we have a total of 10 pple. But gez what? For all kinds of reasons, only 6 of us turned up. One chinese PRC signed up to join our gathering so we included him in the activity. And then another cell grp member turned up. Hence we have 8. BEfore that, it kinda looked pathetic. We could easily have said let's just postponed it to next week when more pple are around or i could have gone home bcos i was really not feeling very well.
The spirit is feeling but the flesh is indeed very weak. Or the spiritual warfare is high. God intends something good to be done, the devil would make sure it is not easily done.
As i was pondering over how things look pathetic and how in pain i was, i was convicted that we MUST do it today. There may be someone waiting for us there, amongst the units. How do we know? Only God knows. If God intends to reach out to someone, just someone, He wouldn't mind sending 8 of us there just to help. WE didnt' go to preach. We go to spread the love of Christ. We went just wanting to bless. You think it's that easy under that hot weather? It's not. But we went in all sincerity just to bless and help if anyone needs any help. One old uncle pointed out that he needs pple to help him move the things in his house. So we said we would arrange a time again and help him do it.
So i prayed that GOd please at least take the discomfort, swelling and weakness in the legs for that period of time at least. Make it easier for me. And haha..HE did actually. Altho not completely, but at least i didn't feel like dying.
So i learnt alot. Actually it's more like i re committed my faith back to God. Trust that He will help and show me the way, no matter how i feel or how weak i am.
Even on Friday, it was a terribly long long day for me. It was a team building day for my company. And i mentioned i was not well right. But yet i couldn't take MC bcos i wasn't actually having my period and all but i was really unwell to the point that i felt my life is crippled. But we had games from 10.30am to 12.30pm and i didn't get to sit down at any point. It was constantly like hyped up gameplays and team spirits with all the team shouting their cheers. By lunch i was so drained by all those things. If i wasn't unwell i think i would have enjoyed the day more.
After lunch, we went to Bedok reservior for 'Forest Adventure'. It involves lots of climbing, heights, jumping. Basically lots of strength. I prayed sooooo hard the night before that God please don't let my period come tomorrow. If not it will complicate things so much. Lets just say it's really annoying to be doing physical excercises when your period is here. And it's excruciating when ur period gives you cramps. The last thing u want to do is to be climbing and running around. So my period didn't come. God answered my prayers. And i didn't think i would survive the whole damn thing but i did. I think i wouldn't survive only bcos of my wobbly legs. If not the thing is not that difficult, it was tiring but it wasn't that difficult. That one week, i really felt like i tired out so easily. Wobbly legs oso can make you tired...it's ...amazing..
Really, i have God to thank to bringing me through the course. I took panadol menstrual before i went climbing the stuffs. Cos i really could take it anymore. For that 3 hrs, strength was temporarily restored to my legs. Could be the drug..or it could be God's intervention. But anyway, i'm glad i didn't die. Then a long trip home.
I'll post the photos up when i get the chance. Getting lazy. SO many photos, but i just don't post them up.
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Thursday, February 14, 2008 . 1:19 PM
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Tuesday, February 12, 2008 . 11:49 PM
Well after the woo ha on Saturday, i spent the whole day crying till my eyes were all swollen. And since i was up since 7.30am, i went to nap at 4pm. Had lots of haunting dreams about my family's future.
After that, went to Holland V with Deying and another friend for a nice Indian dinner. Craving for lots of indian food these days. SO in love with them. Never used to like Indian food, in fact i never touched Indian food except for prata. In the past, i also didn't enjoy eating. Eating was in fact a troublesome thing in my opinion. I eat to survive, not for enjoyable. But it's a different story now. I eat to enjoy. I feel really happy if i get good food, and that night's Indian food and the restaurant's great service made my day, considering how bad my day was. Could help nodding and smiling in delight while munching on the food.
Then had a little drinking session at Breko.
Sunday was packed with house visitings of two of my cell grp member's homes. Church service was at 8am. To my surprise, i actually could wake up for it. I prayed hard the night before for my parents. And to my tired soul, i really wanted to go to church. So i could spend some good time with God. But then i figured if i just leave the house like that early and then my mom won't get to see mi till she gets back from work at night, i think she might be more depressed. So i didn't go church, i woke up and chatted with her instead. She asked me about the psychologist's appointment number. The one that she previously went. That's surprise no 2.
She's actually willing to carry on with her medication again. We discussed, and i suggested going to our family GP, who could prescribe the same drugs probably and at a much much cheaper price. The previous doctor cost more than 100 dollars at one visit.
She went to see the doctor on Mon. I could tell she's feeling better.
Somehow, she changed her mind about the medication. She was insistent about not continuing the medication ever in her life for some months. I'm glad... she changed her mind.
And i thank God for that.
My dad's leg had been hurting for months as well. I began to worry that his condition is going to deteriorate from there... Today he went to the polyclinic (bro brought him) for his appointment, scheduled every 3 months. Before i left for work, i've like nagged at him like a thousand times to please ask the doctor wat is the root of the problem and what we can do. Should he exercise more etc..
Just now he told me the doctor told us to help him lift up his right leg and stretch to exercise the muscles like twice a day. Once in the morning and once at night, then he appointed me to do so in the morning since i have to mop and clean the rabbit's cage at night (daily).
And yes, i do mop the area inside and outside the rabbit's cage now...everyday... without fail.
I'm such a disciplined person.
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Saturday, February 09, 2008 . 10:04 AM
When Chinese New Year is a time of reunion and joyous occasion for Chinese families to get together, i can only remember that i seldom felt that we were happy.
Many bad things had happened in the past and unfortunately they occurred right before CNY. Even tho i'm a person who doesn't like to look back to the past, i can't help recalling.
Before my dad had stroke, every CNY, every CNY eve or the 1st day, my whole family would DEFINITELY quarrel. Quarrel over every single small little things. My bro and i hated CNY. Even before any arguement, we already presume there would be one. Everyone would be highly strung up, angry emotions soon followed.
And then my dad had his stroke in around Dec 03. My mom flew to China to take care of him. The next year's CNY, we had to spend it without our parents. I don't know if anyone understands how that feel. I never felt happy about CNY, but that beats better than not having any family members around right. We only had my cousin's family, who provided the warmth of a family temporarily, but it also brought out the stark contrast between what would happen to my family from theirs. It brought out the loneliness and pining for my parents even more.
My mom on the other hand spent the CNY struggling to take care of my dad and fighting the terrible winter cold. She had employed 2 male nurses to help her. In China, they don't assigned caretakers or nurses to you, you have to employ them. She was practically at their mercies, as the guys was always demanding to be paid. And even tho they had agreed to stay back and help take care of my dad during CNY, they went back on their words and went back to their hometown, leaving my mom all alone in the winter to take care of my dad whom she had to constantly carry and support...my dad couldn't get up from his bed back then. So my mom had a horrible memory abt the sufferings she endured for my dad.
This year, as usual, not much visitings. Only Hsiaolin's family came over. I was terribly bored.
But at the same time, i was terribly worried about my mom. Her facial expression was looking more n more strained by each passing day. I knew the inevitably has come again.
When i go back to work on MOnday, my colleagues are gonna ask abt my CNY. And what am i going to tell them? That it was bad? That i did nothing and there was nothing interested except for the thing about how i tot my mom committed suicide?
There are a few things in life that really terrifies me. One is how i really dread receiving phonecall in the middle of the night or early in the morning. And if the person on the line is a relative from Kuching.......... i hold my breath and wonder, who is it this time? With my maternal grandma passing away last year, who else could that be? My maternal grandma's passing away triggered my mom's depression and it hasn't been the same since then...... so i had a few scares recently when relatives called unexpectedly..
2nd, realities can sometimes be really harsh and unforgiving. The reality is that my mom used to talk about jumping off the building to end her troubles in this world. And it is so real..why? Bcos my bro and i took measures to lock up the windows etc as much as we can do to prevent her from doing silly things. Sometimes, i think about what i would do if she really jumped.
This morning, she suddenly woke me up and told mi to go for a walk with her bcos she cannot stop thinking abt things. I got up and got changed and washed up, checked the clock and it's only 7.30am. Very worried abt my mom and frankly speaking i'm also tired, i donoe wat other problems are there this time and every time this happens, nothing gets solved but we all get upset. So i brought along a packet of tissue in case we cry while taking a stroll. And then i couldn't find my mom in the house anymore. I went to my door and saw that it was unlocked, the outside gate was opened, not even closed properly.
Do you know my 1st instinct was to get out of the house, without shoes, went to the two balconies of my corridor and looked downwards. TO SEE IF MY MOM JUMPED OR WAT!!!!
But of cos i couldn't see any traces of that. I went back to the house, to make sure she really wasn't in the house anymore, checked all the windows. ANy idea how i panicked? Any idea how much i prayed that God please don't let that happen. Please don't. And i played the scenario about finding her body, about how i'm going to cope in the future again and again and again, so many times i've played it in my head.
I took the lift down and saw her sitting at the excercise corner. I persuaded her to take a walk, go to the church behind. At least she could pray and feel better. WE took a LONG walk in silence. And when we passed the church, she refused to go in. Then we went home, and she starting telling mi things.
I'm very upset. Yes i am. But haven't i been upset before? Yes i have. So nothing new here.
She talked about leaving. She asked how am i going to cope when she's not around. ANd after her suicide scare, i asked wat she meant. No answers. And i told her please don't commit suicide.
She said she wanna go elsewhere n stay. She really cannot stay and look at my dad everyday in the same house. BUt she's too soft hearted to leave us like this. She's sorry that she has to put the burdens on us. She's juz trapped, and driven by guilt and misery.
During these 2 days of cny, my dad and her had been silently avoiding each other in the house. That's how bad it is.
She talked about the possibility of sending my back to Kuching, as suggested by my DEAR relatives in Kuching. And haven't we already tasted their very 'nice' treatment a few yrs ago when they persuaded my parents to go back to Kuching? That was one hell of a GREAT experience. How dare they suggest bringing my dad back again.
Why do pple delight so much in breaking this family up? I don't get it. Why does this family have to break up. Why does my mom have to leave when there's a home here for her. Why does my dad needs to go to a nursing home?
There are plans of putting him in a nursing home in Kuching. ..... KUCHING!!! Their wonderful suggestion again.
I hate the idea of it. MY heart hurts so much....so much... who would wan to put their parents in a freaking nursing home?! Tell me...who?!
ANd kuching? Why doesn't anyone get the idea that noone would want their family members to be seperated like this? Why don't anyone get it?
Why ??? If they are so helpful, why can't my dad b in a singapore's nursing home and they can help with the money. Why not?
My mom is scaring me. She said things like this may jolly well be the last CNY together as a family.....
And i don't get why...things have to be this way..
家不像家， 有个家却没个家庭有什么用??。。。一个好好的家搞到最后我才发现原来这个家根本就不是一个家。 在好几年前就已经不存在。。。我还在执着着什么!!
将来的路怎么走。。。
谁真正能了解呢。。。。。。。。。。。
谁能了解我的心多么的痛。。。
Except...only my God...
16 Hear me, O LORD, for Your lovingkindness is good;
Turn to me according to the multitude of Your tender mercies.
17 And do not hide Your face from Your servant,
For I am in trouble;
Hear me speedily.
18 Draw near to my soul, and redeem it;
Deliver me because of my enemies.
19 You know my reproach, my shame, and my dishonor;
My adversaries are all before You.
20 Reproach has broken my heart,
And I am full of heaviness;
I looked for someone to take pity, but there was none;
And for comforters, but I found none.
21 They also gave me gall for my food,
And for my thirst they gave me vinegar to drink.
29 But I am poor and sorrowful;
Let Your salvation, O God, set me up on high.
30 I will praise the name of God with a song,
And will magnify Him with thanksgiving.
31 This also shall please the LORD better than an ox or bull,
Which has horns and hooves.
32 The humble shall see this and be glad;
And you who seek God, your hearts shall live.
33 For the LORD hears the poor,
And does not despise His prisoners.
.
.
.
.
34 Let heaven and earth praise Him,
The seas and everything that moves in them.
35 For God will save Zion
And build the cities of Judah,
That they may dwell there and possess it.
36 Also, the descendants of His servants shall inherit it,
And those who love His name shall dwell in it.
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