Monday, January 21, 2008 . 12:07 AM
I don't associate myself as an evil person but i realised recently that power can indeed make a person evil. And power can indeed be a very scary thing. Labels: life
When i realised that i can easily trample and ruin someone's future or chances, i realised that i hold a certain level of power in my hands. Or rather i realised that i ACTUALLY have that level of authority.
This small turning point in my life came unexpectedly when my dance instructor suddenly took on another partner. I don feel like explaining too much here. But basically, i'm the most important partner of his, i'm the one who would be performing and going for competition with him. I'm the one he likes most. I'm not going to be modest here. There are 2 other gals that are his class partners. I stress class partners. He trains them. They do perform, but as a group. He and me are the main ones, and i sometimes input my ideas into the dances etc. I'm the one who is in charged of his publicity etc. The other 2 gals and me exist pretty harmoniously. In fact, we stop at nothing to help each other grow. The appearance of this new girl, i got to admit, threw me off guard. Not to mention the other two. Altho i didn't have a chance to talk to the other 2 yet, but from what Derrick told me about the kind of insecured questions they asked him, i could tell that i'm not the only one who is unhappy about this new arrangement.
IS it pride? Is it that my position would be threatened? I can't say that these thoughts never crossed my mind. Jealousy could poison a person's heart. But i got to be really clear and political about these. I'm not jealous. I just don't find the whole thing right. The way this girl came into the picture, and if she's decent, and her behaviours. We are not talking about just dancing. We are talking about Derrick's students and how her behaviours is spreading some, lets just say not so good comments from some students.
Over these 4 months, i've changed my thoughts about dancing. Now i treat it like it's my own business. A business that i want to it to grow. That's y i spend a considerable amount of time brain storming about how we could market ourselves. Let's just say that i'm not very willing to let this girl threaten my plannings and my business. I've grown to this point that my mindset about dancing has changed. I'm no longer the one that tries to hide how gd i am. I'm no longer hiding the fact that i'm my instructor's partner to pple, including some of my colleagues. Bcos i'm sick of hiding. Why should i? I should be willing to show off, willing to show what i've got, then pple will want to learn dancing from Derrick, and i get to benefit as well if this becomes my business in the future. SO you see, i'm even beginning to put up photos of us dancing/performing on friendster. FOr what? To make myself look gd? Then i would have done that long ago right? No. Im only doing it becos i've finally understood that i shdn't be hiding anymore. I should be more aggressive and treat every chance on the dancefloor, no matter where, as my place of publicity.
Back to the new girl topic. As my friends would know me, i'm not an evil person. I may b emotional and temperamental, but i'm not evil. And for the 1st time in my life, i actually had 'evil' thoughts like,' What if i tell Derrick to just leave the girl alone, and not give her a chance, would he listen?' And you know what? Girls tend to be insecure, like somehow i was insecure even though i know that i hold a high position in his heart. I don't need him to reassure me or give me security. What is he tat he SHOULD give me all the reassurance right? ANyway, I know the answer to my 'evil' thought would be yes. If i tell him that, he would give that girl up. BUt what's the point? That would be emotional blackmail.
IF i'm THAT intelligent, i would let him train the girl and let him do whatever he plans of the girl. But i being smart, will not object, but just remind him to observe the girl first. SHe will never surpass me anyway. I'm not complacent. I know my good points, if not y would Derrick makes me his partner? FOr fun? ANyone can be his partner? I won't make myself look bad b asking him to 'dump' her or bad-mouth her. All i ask is that she doesn't do more damage to what i'm trying to build up. I'll keep her in check, and teach her the way to behave in the dancing world. The dancing circle is not as simple as you think.
If i'm really that evil, i would uproot and destroy her completely. SHe's trying so hard to keep Derrick dancing with her. It would be really easy for mi to ruin her chances completely but being a good human being with conscience, i didn't do that. DO you think that this is a one time choice? I was tortured with thoughts of trying to get Derrick to 'ditch' her, but yet i want to be doing what's right in God's eyes. SO after much struggle, i accepted her, and all i ever did was tell Derrick to be observant of her 1st before teaching her too many things.
All in all, i would say i learnt alot. 1st of all, i learnt that i do have the capacity to become evil. I never thought i would even think of such things, bcos i have such a kind heart? Don't puke ok. But greed, selfishness, power can probably change that. When i had such thoughts, i terrified myself. But knowing that these thoughts are wrong is already doing a right thing.
2nd of all, i realised that i do take Derrick for granted, well alittle. Its always him dragging mi to dance, even tho i love dancing, but it always feels like i'm so unwilling, always negotiating with him etc. But that girl absolutely LOVES dancing with him and so willing to grab him to go dance. OF cos this made me reflect upon my ownself. That i should work harder in my dancing. I should try harder, i should put in more time and effort.
3rdly, i realised that i'm usually a peace-loving person. I always seek to live harmoniously with pple around me UNTIL, their neverending ( and i said neverending ok..) nonsense piss me off. Nonsense like things that are not for building up of another person. Things that was said to put me down. IT's fine if you do it once or twice or accidentally or sometimes it's just a joke, but it becomes a v irritating noise in my ears if you do it continuously. And that would made me feel like cheering whenever i retaliate back. It's like i would wear a 3-inch shoes and while i was picking that shoes to wear at home when i set off for work, i would think to myself ha, i would tower over someone. Bcos that someone can never be as tall as me even if she wear heels, not to mention i'm wearing a 3inch heels. Or i would think, come on lar, i'm always going to be mroe beautiful than yo. Period. So please just shut up.That's so evil. And i realised how that poisoned me to become a bitch. So i had to ask God to forgive me for my thoughts and my behaviour towards another person. This person i'm talking about is not the girl, it's another girl. So if you don't want to become a bitch, stop thinking like a bitch. I got to admit that it's addictive to be a bitch. BUt i really don't like what i've become. So lucky i double checked myself and stopped myself from thinking that way, and start sincerely caring for that girl. I'm proud to say that ever since then, we have become much closer friend.
4thly, i should take pride in what i do. I should learn to take pride in my dancing. I don't dance THAT badly. Why do i always think that i'm not good enuff. It's gd to know that i'm never good enuff bcos in dance, you can never be good enuff. But to demean myself? NO Wonder pple looks down on me. Bcos i look down on myself. I'm not afraid to say that i DANCE WELL Ok! You think you dance better? Show me then. You think you know all about dancing? I can't be bothered to even tell u about dancing so that you will grow and be more matured about your ideas of dancing. Why? Bcos explaining to someone who is ignorant, in my experience, will never change a thing about how they think they know about dancing. Hence you don't hear my talking much about dance nowadays bcos the more i move upwards, the more people will not understand anymore.
5th, I would hope that pple respect what i'm doing. You can think whatever you want. But i don't care anymore. If you think i'm not good enuff, if you think i'm not dancing sexily enuff, well let me know in an encouraging way. I welcome all feedback, but i may not take your feedback seriously. Even if you say i dance well etc, i for one understands and know how much better i could be, and u till say that's good? But then again, if you are not in dancesports you have no idea how many years other dancers would have to put in to dance to my level now. I'm considered freaking fast already. I don't wan to say more anymore. Enuff of praising myself tonight.
You guess it right. I'm not in a very good mood now.
