Wednesday, October 03, 2007 . 8:12 PM
I feel like there's a Claire Bennet in me for now, as i get hooked onto Heroes seasons 2. It juz gets better!!!
Mr Bennet especially wants her precious daughter to lie low and it's driving her nuts with this new low profile kind of life. IN the same way, i feel like i'm driving myself nuts by living a double life about dancing. I don't know wat drives mi seriously to hide the whole truth from my colleagues, and i also don't understand y i get so cranky not being able to tell the whole truth!
So i realised i'm a really honest person. I wish to be truthful to everyone (tactfully ok..that's doesn't mean i go ard being super truthful). I wish to be able to rant about my dance to pple ard me, like how tough it was for mi etc or how i enjoyed certain things or how i've improved, like how i used to tell my ex colleague. I juz can't stand keeping up with lies, well there are not lies, but definetely not the absolute truth, to keep track of the partial truths i'm telling is quite a problem eh. I don't know what i've told them. In fact, right now, i'm contemplating telling them that i do advanced salsa...and watever .. so taht they get the idea. I don't have to say performance wat...
Yesterday i was sick. And i haven't been working for long, but i decided to take leave. Bcos i was really quite sick. I was knocked out for the whole day. I haven't slept that deeply for a LONG LONG time.. bcos i was too sick lar. Sore throat, n medication was making mi very drowsy. I'm still under probation, so if i haven't worked for 3 mths i won't be able to take mc, or get my medical bills subsidised. ANyway heck lar. Today i was informed that i have extra leave for Hari Raya. That makes my prorated leave 7 days. I've cleared one. And i'm clearing another one on the 16th Oct.
So wat is happening on 16th Oct? Have i mentioned it yet? I gez not. I don't know! I'm not even telling the whole truths in my blog nowadays. I'm going to Presbyterian High School to perform 4 dances. What's the occasion? No idea. Seems like it's a dance day for the boys. Going to do Waltz, Ballroom Tango, Salsa, Bachata. Yaps. I can't really b much bothered aldy. Previously i was so stressed out, cos Tango isn't hasn't really cheorographed. But i suppose we could juz do basics and some big moves and that's it. SKip the details and explanations...that's abt it.
I have 2 more weeks to practice. Techically speaking, only 3 more practice. 2 full practices. 1 partially on monday class before the perfomance (on tues).
So i took leave just to perform. Hmm how do i reconcile that fact? Of wanting to carrying on doing what i've committed to doing and trying to perform in my new job. ANyway, regarding my new job, i'm still doing trainings n training. Frankly speaking, that's far from performing. And instead of performing, i've made some mistakes and i felt incredibly bad abt them especially one. I felt incredibly embarrassed as well, it' like i've wasted someone's trusts on me. So this morning, i had to go apologise to two pple who graciously accepted my apology and even comforted me. SO nice of them. But my big big boss made mi feel like i'm stupid to even want to apologise to him. That's really nice warm slap for my sincerity. Now i feel like i'm so dumb to feel sian over having to do that when i get back to work, while i was sick in my bed.
So yes. I'm a struggling 25 year old, who juz got herself her dream job but realizes that things aren't that rosy afterall, the world is not pink, and my bed is not filled wit roses. Well things like such happens for a reason. I muz say i think more abt how i really am more these days. I question myself about y i'm behaving like this or that. I realised that i'm not as sociable as i think i am. I realised that i'm deficient when it comes to PR skills, well i'm not like super lousy, but compared to the pple in my workplace, i must b a retard. This line really requires them to b really gd with communication and PR skills. And of cos meticulous and detailed, which i i had failed terribly with that BIG mistake of mine, which my boss thought it was really nothing. I appreciate what i have more, ie dance. Bcos not everyone gets the chance like me to have one feet sticking in the dance world, altho many pple would wish they get the chance, but i tell u it's pure hard work. It's pretty hard for me aldy. Mayb it's my characters. I'm never this committed to anything. But this year, or rather these 2 years, i've found myself being more n more committed to my dance, family, church. My life is so full of discipline ( minus those times i decided to slack n nua and hence wasted much precious time actually while nuaing...) that i can hardly identify myself as myself anymore. This is not me! I was neevr like this. I hate discipline. Most of my life i sought to break out of discipline, so i muz say i have done my mom much wrong in this.... But now, i can no longer afford an ill-disciplined life. I'm not perfect. I've been failing an failing again and again to discipline myself more. I think i ask too much from myself. And eventually i break down from the stress i give myself. I realised i'm not the bochup person that i usually protray myself. I may take things and let go of them easily (esp after all the rubbishes in my life that i've been thru, letting go isn't that tough anymore), but there are certain things tat i can't let go that easily and it's stupid. Bcos in the end, it onli stresses me out, it meant a great deal to me and mi alone, and not to everyone else (ie my big big boss). I fail almost every nite when i say i wanna sleep early. I fail almost everyday when i say i wanna wake up earlier. I failed when i took cab again. BUt well, at least ive been taking somes buses =)
Yesterday when i felt like i'm so sick, i slept thru the whole day, so that i can make it to Paya Lebar (near parkway parade actually) for my competitive cha cha course with my instructor. It's so far? But actually the trip took ard 40 mins onli. But i was sick u see. And i felt horrible that i still had to pull myself together to make sure i get there for the class. It's competitive cha cha. It's pure training class. THe whole one hr was mostly on techniques but i totally enjoyed it. I benefited alot from it and it's not cheap ok. That's one of the reasons y i went. Another reason is that everyone is not a beginner there, they have danced for 3-4 yrs of beyond, had done latin cha cha at least that long( but i can't say for their dancing skills...). Some of them a re really good. BUt for a beginner like me, i don't think they can tell i'm new. I learnt fast hahaa...hao lian. ANyway the point is if i don't go for one lesson, i'll miss out to much. I can't catch up if i'm not there to learn rite? SO yaps...
At the end of the day, i don't wan to give up dancing. Bcos i did put in my sweat n blood in it. Even tho i shed lesser blood and tears and sweat for dancing than most dancers, but it's still something i went thru right? I don't wan to ever give it up......until i'm a professional, until i've won some championships. Even if i didn't win, at least i qualify to compete, that's more than enuff aldy. Bcos i've aldy broken my own record in a short time; much shorter than any dancers out there.
For pple who doesn't know where to watch Heroes season 2... this is the link, season 1 included! : http://www.tv-links.co.uk/listings/1/41
For pple who might wanna know about more abt lizards, or Salamanders, as we Biology students study it as, you might wana read more here (graphic description haha...and all the stainings reminds me of my ex job. the pink stainings.) http://www.uoguelph.ca/zoology/devobio/210labs/regen1.html
|
