Sunday, September 30, 2007 . 12:07 AM
Dear All or ANyone who happened to be reading,
I'm glad the week is over. This marks my 3rd week at the new work place. I'm finally settling in more. New found friends. I'm beginning to relax more and juz do my things. I can't say work had been exciting. It was still mainly training and training and more filings and more documentations. My new found aim/aspiration here would be to be able to quit one day.
I've thought about it hard. A part of me wish i could be a career minded woman that i once thought i would be when i thought about my aspirations back in Sec school days. After that, my aspirations kinda spiraled downwards, actually i won't say downwards...there's nothing wrong with wanting to be a tai tai right? Actually, i don't REALLY want to b a tai tai. I juzt want to take life easy, and do wat i want to do. I don't wan to slog THAT hard...i juz want to enjoy wat i do. I don't wan to OT, unless it's for my own business... if i can earn a gd living with dancing, i don't see y i need to slog so hard in the corporate world. If i can wake up at 11am everyday, and decide how flexible i wan my work to be, y do i want to be stuck in a corporate world where i have to drag my miserable lazy bones out of bed every morning. Right? Am i right? I'm juz not built to work 9-6pm work. I'm of cos horribly incapable of working from 9-god knows watever unearthly hours.
Yet, a part of me wants to fulfill that career woman dreams. So, at least i tried and i know how it feels like. A few years down, i will make a decision about where i wanna head. There are many paths i could take from being a CRA. And if i can work at home, i would opt for that. If i could go into medical writing...i'm not sure if i could....that' would b nice. Would be even nicer if it's home based. If not, if my dancing career really picks up, i would b going into dance teaching and also competition etc. What a life. I really don't believe in working my life away. I'm not here on earth to just work.
This new work place is the 1st place i've seen that has a number of dancers. Of cos they are causal social dancers lar. NOt really like me. And here comes the dilemma, i actually don't wan my colleagues to know abt my involvement in dance. When i say this, im also not sure if u guys understand wat i'm trying to say. Bcos i have a feeling that u guys also don't understand...so i seldom talks abt it. Derrick plan to train me to become a professional, let's give each other 5 years. of cos i may not take that long. Professional is not full time, it's juz a level of dancing. There are novice, pre-amateur, amateur, professional. There are pple who learn dancing from classes, those are normal pple... they social dance, they seldom can do performance n competitive dancing. There are some who does performance and competitive dancing and there can't social dance (esp for dancers who specialises in Latin dances) and there some who can do both. But how many can do latin(5 dances) and ballroom(5 dances) and salsa, bachata, merengue. There are pple who of cos after social dancing for like 10 years, they know all these dances. Knowing doesn't mean u can do it well. Those are all the chimalogy theories and experiences from the dance world, i shall not elaborate. I've aldy known half the total no of dances. And i'm not ONLY a social dancer. That's all i can say. How do u explain dance, to pple who doesn't understand dance. Dance is a really deep thing. That's also what i can say here. Hence, i chose not to tell my colleagues too much. I always say that i used to learn Salsa, now i've crossed over to learning ballroom. The truth is, i practice 3 times a week. And i've been learning dancing for 2 years now. I don't learn Salsa anymore but i dance it at least once a week for probably only 10 mins ha in MOunt Faber Safra. I don't just learn Ballroom dances, i do them well to the level of normal pple learning ballroom for at least 3-5 years. That's my level now. Bcos y? It's very tough and if noone is there to really teach you, u will never learn to dance decently even if u dance for 20 years. How do i know? I've seen many examples throughout my visits to dance places.And i know much more about dance than my colleagues think i know.
Does it feel gd to keep everythign to myself? No. I'm not the kind of person who wants to keep things to myself. I rather b clean and open to everything. But i'm not really trying to keep these to myself. It's onli becos pple won't understand. Even when i tell my friends, they don't understand. How do u explain dance to pple who doesn't understand dance? exactly. They can look and appreciate when pple dance, but pple who are long time dancers, those professionals, they look at dance VERY differently from others. I can't prove this. But i've been told i danced alright by my frens while the dance professionals commented that i'm good. So do i trust my friends or the professionals? I can't please everyone anyway. Not all professional dancers can please everyone as well, there are bound to be pple who prefer another style or speed or feeling than you etc.
The last thing that i wan is my colleagues to think that i'm so involved in dancing that i'm so drained and i can't put all my attention at work. I'm not paranoid but well, if they do not know that i'm so involved, they won't be able to 'detect' that i'm not putting all my energy in work. That's how i think.
So i'm really leading 2 lives. One is the one i go to work everyday, and another life is the one i carried on after work.
Friday, we had mexican food. The whole bunch of us went, but only one of us is a Singaporean. Haha..I muz say my colleagues are a fun bunch of pple. But i felt left out in a way. I think i'm still adapting. Then we went to Union Square. And i can't say that i had a great time. There were no males who are able to dance. So i had to kinda teach them. And i can't expect them to lead. In the end, i taught one of my female colleagues, who had enuff dance backgrounds( ballet,jazz,hip hop). I didn't really teach her. I juz taught her the really basic steps and we said we shall juz follow the music and juz go along. SO i had to be the male. I haven't gone pass beginners' class for male's steps u know. And that was like 2 mths back? So i led her, and i was creating new steps my own, that i've seen guys done it. Kinda proud of myself. We had fun. But i was actually quite bored lar. I'm aldy in the mood to let go and show all my moves, argh. So very sian. Then we all went home at ard 12.30am lor. We reached there ard 11pm k. So early go home liao. But anyway, i'm not v keen at being 'picked up' by unknown males to dance. I juz hate that idea that i need pple to ask mi to dance. Yew.
So i had a good time dancing today actually when i went for practice. The Usual Fillipino DJ whom i liked alot went back to Philippines for holiday. There was a new old DJ. He played Salsa a few times, usually the other DJ doesn't put much Salsa,mayb once in a few hrs. So i finally got a chance to finish wat i didn't get to finish last nite.
My mom actually gave mi alot of problems this morning. Yes i feel like a rubber band stretched in all directions. I feel stretched by my work, new life, trying to adapt and trying to arrange my life according to the new work. Arrange my dance to fit also. I'm stressed out by upcoming performance where i need to performance FOUR dances. I'm stressed out by the steep learning curve. I'm not stupid, but there are sometimes onli so much i can learn before i become information overload. There are so many new things for mi to learn, and then at this great timing, my instructor decides to load mi with more thigns as well. I'm still trying very hard to adapt to the new sleeping time. I'm working so hard to sleep earlier everyday but i can't say i've been very successful but i'm trying! Yet i'm tired everyday. When ur tired, ur learning capacity is worse! So now my mom expects mi to ....i donoe wat she expects, basically i'm juz not doing enuff at home.........again!!! I feel like i'm going to snap really. I've cried like 3 times this week bcos i couldn't take it. The 3rd time was today, juz before i headed out for dance.
Who understands?
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