Monday, August 27, 2007 . 10:20 AM
Face Value by ~jeej83 on deviant
I bring bad news. But well, it's only bad news on my part. This is one of the worse financial situation i've gotten myself into in my whole life.
It's been seriously a long time since i ever had to worry much about my next meal or bills etc. In the past, my family situation had been quite bad, hence i often worry and plan my finances. But back then it was still easy. No money then don't watch movies, don't buy new clothes, eat the cheapest food etc. Now just by sitting here typing all these, i can see money being deducted from my bank accounts.
Insurance, credit card bills, driving lessons, clothes,food, transport. How did i even end up in this? I can only blame it on my failure to guard my finance and expenditure properly. Muz have taken too much cab. So juz by sitting here n doing nothing, i'm still actually 'paying' for alot of things.
My mom asked if i had wired her the money this money. My month allowance for her. I said,' i don't even have money how to give you money. Ma, i need to borrow money from you.' Ha. Simply put it, i kinda feel like shit. I know this is only temporary but still, borrowing from your mom when you shd be the one giving her a good life now ...that kinda feeling...ah nvm..
But anyway, my mom said i could go transfer money from her account mine ( we have a joint account together).
I've been shopping for new clothes for my new job. I NEED the formal clothes wat. Until now, i've spent less than 200 dollars bcos i mainly bought my staffs at sales. So i really have to thank God i managed to actually so coincidentally meet the shops that were on sales.
I'm feeling quite panicky actually. It feels weird to b buying lots of clothes when at the back of my mind i know i can't afford them.
My driving is also sucking me dry. I have no choice but to take more lessons. Even with more lessons, mayb i won't pass. My instructor has gave me the ultimate ugly truth yesterday. He said i'm still not driving with confidence, and alot of mistakes i'm still making. So i'm prob going to fail. Thanks man. So now, can you imagine, i'm paying all that i have in my bank to increase my chances of passing so that i don't need to waste more money if i fail but at the end of the day, i prob will still fail. That really suck man. So issit worth it to continue now? I thought about it hard, and figured i think i shall just give it a try. Fail then fail liao lor..what can i do? Money go down the drain lor....:( i think what i need to face is a ego buster. I don't like failing.
MY whole life, i've only been in 2 situations where i felt so low in my confidence that i've actually asked my teacher and this time my instructor if i'll pass. On other occasions, be it in studies or anything else, i'll make sure i would b ready by the time i need to take the exams or something, so that i'm actually quite a confident person. One of those times were my A'levels. That was freaking scary. I was quite afraid that i won't make it to the Uni. That's due to me playing too much in the 1st year, ended up i couldn't catch up as much in the 2nd year than if i had concentrated on my studies way in the beginning. So yes i was under alot of stress, which i believe all the students were anyway. So i turned up for my chemistry tutorial, it was additional tutorial, to prepare students for the A'levels. Kiasu mah. Not i wanted it, it was the tutor who wanted it. So i went to her and while the rest of the students were not there yet, i asked,' Madam... do you think i'll get A for chemistry?' Ok, it wasn't a question of pass or fail, bcos i've kinda reached that point where i was stressed out cos i really wanted a freaking A for chemistry. I've put in the most effort and time in Chemistry. A year ago, during prelims, the question would be, ' Do you think i'll pass my prelims?' For your info, i didn't pass ALL my subjects in year 1. I scraped thru them and got grade 'O'..which is a..i can't rem. Something like sitting in the middle b/w fail and passing, but would be considered a fail lar. Then since everyone had such a bad results for prelims, they moderated the stuffs and then i got grade 'E' for everything! So in the end i'm considered to have passed my Prelims.
Anyway back to the story,how the hell Madam would know if i get A or not right? I seriously just wanted some assurance lor. I couldn't rem her answer. But anyway, i got a 'B' in the end. Was quite disappointed. So was Madam when she found out.
So i asked my instructor the same questions if i'll pass. Argh mayb i shdn't ask. So now, i gez i should get prepared to accept my failure. He said, i always come late for lessons if not i postpone the lessons, so in the end i'm ill prepared, bcos of the lack of practice time. Not my choice mah, sometimes i'm sick, sometimes i feel sick, sometimes my mom was sick, sometimes i had other things like church courses or dance performance. Was my fault that i turned up late for lessons all the time. My time management is bad..................i can only blame myself.......
So sad. So sad till i don't know how to describe this sadness. Prepare to accept my failure ba.....sighz.................
When is the money going to come in..........................................
Got to trust that God will provide for everything that i need =)
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