Monday, August 13, 2007 . 10:12 AM
Labels: depression, life
I must be having some post menstrual rubbish bcos i feel terribly down.
But I feel upset. Over what? I have no idea. So it muz b post menstrual rubbish.
I could identify some issues...but i don't know y i'm so down bcos of these seemingly trival stuffs.
Last week, i spent an incredible amount of time at home. Did that get me depressed? I don't think so. I didn't go for dance on Monday. Tues, Wed,Fri i was at home. Only thursday i went out to dance after staying home (National day) for the whole day. I spent a great amount of time watching tv, or sleeping when i was home. What got me so tired? I don't know. There's nothing on, so i might as well sleep lest save the trouble of having to think of what to do. In fact, i don't wan to do anything at all. I could have say mop the floor, washed my clothes...but i only washed the dishes and then lie on my bed...
I don't wan to go out. Bcos i don't know where to go. And i don't know who to ask to go out with. No i don't mean that i don't have friends. I haven't met some of my frens for some time. But i felt it's troublesome to ask them out and plan something. Everyone has their own plans or idea of what they wanna do mah... i'm not in the mood to accommodate. The best thing is, i actually find it super meaningless to just head out and go shopping. Shop already then i'm all tired n sore, worse is no time to finish shopping cos it's time to head home already. If i get too tired, i'll wanna take cab. And that means wasting money. If i stay too late, i still have to take cab cos no bus. But i head restricting myself to a curfew. So i might as well stay at home, since i don't really wan to shop anyway. I don't wan to shop, dont want to chill out, don't wan to party. I just don't wan anything.
In fact my life can b summarized in these few manner. I go to work, i go to dance, i go to church and i go home. Home is not a torture. I like staying home, esp when i see how lonely my dad is.
But yeah. That's all i do. I haven't stepped into town for sometime now. Bcos my schedule keeps me away from town. In fact, my schedule keeps mi freaking disciplined to the state that i can't stand myself anymore. What happens to spontaneousness ?!!!! What happened to last minute decisions to do something ?
I feel like i hardly have time for myself, tho that's a contradicting statement after spending almost every night at home last week. I don't mean that. I meant, every weekend, i'll be busy doing something, and most of the time it's driving/dancing and then rushing off for some short dinner with Albert or watever, then it's sunday and whole of sunday is spent in church. Church of cos is not a torture. But, not able to really decide what i wish to do on Sat is quite a pain.
And i didn't know i'm actually annoyed by this kind of things till it manifested itself over this previous sat.
Let's just say that in 2 days, i've canceled appointments with at least 2-3 pple. And the thing is ..i don't feel bad. I felt great!
Sat evening, was supposedly Linda's bbq at her condo. All my colleagues went except me and Huida. Huida had something on. I had previously wanted to bring Albert there to meet my colleagues. I had driving in the morning. No dancing in the noon, bcos i had canceled it earlier in the week when i felt so sian, and also becos i tot i shd need more rest after a busy previous week's training. BUT as i went for driving and came home, i felt so down. I juz wished i can don't go for the bbq. And as time drags on, when it was near 6pm, i decided to inform her that i won't be going anymore. Personally, i don't like such things. I don't like to last min tell someone i won't be turning up. I usually keep my promise, if not i'll feel really bad. But, this time, it was like a release. Then i suddenly perked up, and thought of all the things i could go do! Like heading out to get a new book to write my diary. Something impromtu.
I hate the feeling of wanting to get some necessity but yet no time for me to actually get them. It totally suck.
I juz feel like i hardly do what i want to do for my weekends and also my weekdays. What to do? I can't give up dancing....
And i felt used by some pple. I don't know why. Some friends always asking mi to help them, and so without ...feeling that i won't help them.
Don't get me wrong. Of cos i love to help my friends, or even strangers. As long as i am able to do it for them, i don't mind going the extra miles for them.
Last week i got annoyed at one friend. He was always asking mi to help him ask my dance instructor somethings which i felt he could have done it himself. Mayb he respected that i'm close to my instructor so i could help him ask. I always have a gd reason for NOT doing anything. In this case, i felt that he could have ask my instructor himself as what he was asking will be large information, and y not juz get to the information himself rather than passing thru me. It's not efficient. For the 1st time, i asked this friend of mine to talk to my instructor himself. I've never rejected him in anything before. Even when he asked mi to help him search for some chinese songs to download while i was at work. I hate to search for songs to download, esp chinese ones, bcos i don't like to switch on the chinese software. I just have no interest in downloading songs lar...usually i snatch from my friends who had downloaded them aldy. For him, i've also never rejected him before. But this time i got annoyed bcos of my post menstrual craps. Although he does thank me for helping him, but i felt that somewhere he may have taken me for granted. I treat him nice bcos i think he's worth mi treating him nice. He's a good friend, whom will not hesitate to help me if i needed any help. Oh well...in the end i still helped. I'm juz saying i got annoyed over such things when normally i wouldn't, something muz b wrong with me...
And the trainee hairdresser that cut my hair, i received an sms from him late last nite. Gez what he wanted? He wanted me to find him a long-haired female, and a short-haired one..on 2 dates he gave me, cos he needs them as models for his exam. And told me he needs them at 6.45pm. After he cut my hair, i had at least referred 3 friends to him. And when he said he needs a model at when at what time, i had helped him. This time, given my post menstrual rubbish again, i felt terribly irritated. he's not even asking mi properly.Just so causally, like taken for granted that i SHOULD help him. it's not that i don't wan to or won't help. But all the friends i know, i've aldy told them about the hairdresser, and those who wanted haircuts already went to him. Those who didn't want to, of cos didn't go lar. Where else am i going to find other models for him. So i had to juz tell him the truth that there r no other models and wish him all the best for his exams and hope he manage to get other candidates soon. I'm sure he had smsed other gals he had cut their hair for.
Do i sound like a selfish bitch now? I'm not.If you know me well, friends, you should know that i'm a person who finds it hard to reject anyone who has any requests of me. And hence i do get into alot of trouble with sales pple...bcos i'm so nice that i wanna 'help' them too.But it won't be possible for me to fulfill all the things that pple want right? And obviously i can't fulfill what sales pple want......
Of cos i won't b telling pple here what i've done for who n who n who. God will see what i've done for others, bcos i had done it for Him.If i were to be writing all those things i had gone out of the way to do for others, pple will think i'm bragging...then what's the use of my kind intention in the 1st place?They would have gone down to waste, ruined by the rotten thoughts of pple who think i'm bragging.
做人真难，不如做只兔子较好。。。。。
