Thursday, July 12, 2007 . 12:17 PM
I dislike ...going to the dentist. Bcos it means giving someone control over my mouth.
I dislike it so much that i try not to go for dental appointments. Last nite was the 1st time in 2 years. Yew. I have an exaggerated fear of dental clinics, induced in my since my primary school days. I imagined all dentist to be this evil sadistic person. Sometimes they give you the worse advice in the world by asking you to extract this tooth that tooth. I dreaded the times they would summon for you suddenly. The nurses were even worse. They were the evil dentists' fellow sadist comrades. Ever since i could fully control the decision to go to the dentist or not, i made sure i didn't have to see them often.
So that kinda make things even more worse, bcos the more u don't see the dentist, the more unhealthy your gums are. And i risk having decays and stuffs. So there was alot of blood every time i go to the dentist, and of cos that made my every visit even more dreadful. I need to summon like a few months of courage before i dared to enter a dental clinic.
Last nite, wasn't so bad. I expected the suffering to last longer but soon the dentist was done. In my mind, dentists are always old man. My favorite dentist was this friend of my parents' in Kuching. He charged cheap. But his equipment argh..abit old. I stopped going to him for many years aldy. Then i went to this old chap's clinic over at Ave 2, his equipments oso not very new. Old chap i meant prob 40s. It feels kinda weird opening ur mouth, all vulnerable to someone near your age. This time this dentist, i could tell he should be in his late 20s, someone who could be the potential date, the potential person u might talk to over a drink in a pub etc. He having to look at all my ugliness in my mouth and explain to me how i shd brush my teeth..ah it def felt weird lar. brought mi back to my pri sch days. I haven't seen that teeth n gum model for years.
I went to the dentist this time, cos i'm entitled to dental benefits, which i worked out that i shd claim before i leave this company. But then again, when will i actually get to leave this place?
Sighz.
I had lunch with some of my colleagues yesterday and i haven't seen them for a few weeks i gez. Bcos now their lab has moved further from us, we seldom get to meet up. When i looked at them while we were walking back to our respective labs, i saw a bunch of carefree men playing around.. and i tot to myself, i'm going to miss them all so much when i get to quit one day. Life here aint bad. It's juz not motivating. There are not many politics here. And everyone is simple, contented and happy. Problem is..so happy that we are not motivated. Life here is indeed good. In a way if i were to describe my near 3 years of work here as wasting my youth and time, at the same time i would say i had really enjoyed my life here. At least i don't work late. I don't face stressful things all the time, all i face are my users and dead animal organs. I get lots of free time for my own most of the time, and some other times none at all when it's so busy.
One evening when i was rushing somewhere, i had to take the cab from NUH taxi stand. Along the way, from coming out from my building to NUH, and out of this campus, i saw at least 5 pple whom i know well, they were either my friends/colleagues/ users. And i was just thinking, wah..imagine the probability of seeing at least 5 of them few minutes after another, which means there are really alot of pple whom i know and acquainted with in campus. I felt kinda sad that i have the intention to leave this place and the pple.
What to do? There is no future for mi here. If i don't go, these pple will one day leave before me.
But where should i go? I'm totally lost. Now that i no longer really want to go into Clinical Research related positions, i'm totally lost. I have no idea where to go.
I gez it's my quarter life crisis. I have to explore once again, the difficult question of where should i be going......
I don't feel gd. I feel v down. I think i feel down bcos i don't feel recharged or even normal. I feel like i'm so tired and worn out. Worn out by what? By sleeping late? I don't know. Mayb my health hasn't been gd. I wake up feeling tired everyday. And i go to sleep feeling like i shd feel triumphed after about to stay awake for so long. Before 10pm, my eyes would feel really sleepy and i have trouble having logical thoughts (bcos im too tired to think), so basically i couldn't do much except go sleep. But i haven't been gd...so far earliest i could allow myself to go to bed was 12am. I always have so many things to do. It's either dancing, and by the time im home it would be 12+ when i get to sleep. Or i have other 'administrative' things to do when i'm home, like bank accounts, surfing and most importantly looking for jobs. But since i'm always so tired, i can barely manage. I would tell myself i'll do it tomorrow and tomorrow i'll tell myself i'll do it next day. Again and again.
Am i burning out? I think...i really need a few days to just do nothing except finish up what i haven't been doin. No going out with friends, no entertaining them, no drinking, no sleeping late, no responsibilities to fulfill.......i really need a break............................................break from fulfilling everyone's expectations. My mom's, my driving instructor's, my dancing instructor's, my friends. I feel bad when i can't go out with them. I always try to make it..always trying to put time aside for them. I feel bad when i don go for my dancing. Bcos every practice counts. it matters to how much i'll improve. I feel bad whenever i can't help out my mom at home bcos i'm too tired. And i can't skip driving anymore bcos my TP is in sept. I wanna stop saying,' i need to check my bloody schedule' whenever someone asks me out.....................................
And juz imagined, my schedules are planned ...in at least ...3 weeks in advance. And these, doesn't even include shopping time (be it watever kind of shopping ;ie clothes, groceries..) SIghz...
I need to sleep even earlier to be able to deal with all these and be able to put more energy and effort in relationships, ie parents, friends and in my activities, ie dancing...
SIghz.
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