Friday, May 11, 2007 . 10:24 AM
You know, i've sat there in my chair staring at this lady's portrait for at least 2 hrs last night. And i'm staring at her again now. She's so beautiful. Her eyes so deep and full of feeling, all her soul portrayed in the eyes. The perfect arch of her eyebrows and i can imagine the glassy green eyes staring back, if this photo is actually in colour, and her deep red lipstick. Wow..wat features.
I wanna b like her- stunning.
Still coping with my numbing depression. Feels like the world has kinda stopped for a while for me. I have been thinking about what i want in life, my dreams and aspirations. Sad to say, there aren't many, cos my only real aspiration is to b a tai tai. I know im hopeless. I don't really care. To me, life is not about fighting and competing to reach the top so that i can feel all powerful and accomplished. Life is not easy. And the onli thing i've been fighting all these years is how to feed my family and how to improve the relationship b/w my family.
Once in a while, i'll feel down about my family. This is the time that i feel down again. I don't wish to elaborate more. Cos frankly speaking, i also don't really know what im so down anymore. I mean it's the same thing over and over again right? Y get affected? Gez i juz wanna take a break, like not care about my family for now, and care more about myself ..for now. But such a bad time, mother's day is coming and u knw what? i do not really care. I don't even feel like celebrating it. Usually i'll at least try to do something, buy something, bring her to somewhere, to show my love for her. This week...all i felt in my heart was juz cold hard numbness.
I'm not an ambitious person. My friends can testify to that. I'm so lazy. I'm contented being lazy. Mayb if im not lazy, with my intelligence i would have accomplished alot. My mentality is always, what's the point? As long as ur happy, and of cos in the context of doing the right things in God's eyes, then wat for care so much about all those material stuffs ie fame, fortune, accomplishments etc. Do u realise that Singapore is a great place to stay in? As in this country is so safe, everything so organised, you can build a home with peace here. But in exchange for this stability, many of us are not healthy, not healthy physically, psychologically or emotionally. Do you realise that many pple are not happy, despite being wealthy? Some pple have the money, they worked so hard to earn their keeps, but they do not have the time to enjoy their money. They don't even have time to take leaves. Are they happy? What are they working for? Retirement? Marriage? Even the average joes like us aren't happy. Why? Cos the gahmen says we r not poor, we do not need a pay increase while the GST and the pays of some talent's pays are increased. I'm just a lab officer. Do u think i feel gd abt it? Every human being wants to be something, we want to accomplish something. Do u think i accomplished anything?
Sometimes i daydream about being someone bigger. Imagining myself being a clinical research associate aldy etc. And then imagining how little time i would have for myself cos it's a stressful job and i may even have to work till 8 or 9pm, like many pple do(pple who has the money and leaves but can't get to enjoy them). I look at how other pple in other countries live their lives, and i think y can't Chinese or Singaporeans do the same? Y are we chasing around all these instead of juz simply enjoy life? U would b so much happier. I don't mean enjoy life in all the pleasures, but value life. Enjoy the time off work, keep work strictly to office hrs, enjoy time with family, life is so much like a leisure isn't it?
I've been thinking, that i do not need to follow the majority and go into headless chase. As long as i can earn the money, i don't think i need to b in an office to earn it. I'm exploring other opportunities, doing what i like to do. Come to think of it, i don't really like doing anything except nuaing at home. I've long destroyed my own wishful thinkings about able to do what i liked, that's cos of the situation my family was in. If i kept thinking about wanting to do what i want or liked, i would have been miserable, so the alternative was to tell myself to give up. Now i can't even find back what my aspirations were.
I'm just Jia Yann. I'm not someone bigger.
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