Saturday, March 03, 2007 . 3:52 PM
I've managed to avoid my mom for these two days. I don't feel like speaking to her.
IN the past, whenevr we argued, i'll be terrified, worried about wat she would do to me, as in her threats. She used to tell me about committing suicide, jumping off the building would b a great relief to her, she saw no meaning in being alive. I don't know wat would u feel, if u hear ur mom say that. I don't know wat would u feel, when u hear about wat ur dad did in the past. And he's ur dad, watever wrong he has done, he's still my dad. Wat am i going to do? ON one hand, take care of my dad, on the other, take care of my mom, but it's always so difficult bcos my mom regards my dad as her thorn in her flesh. The thorn that could never b removed and it's piercing deeper n deeper and then she goes more n more irrational.
Then i would b totally terrified abt wat my mom could do. What if she really end her life? What am i going to do? I don't dare to imagine. The kind of burdens i have to carry. Now at least she's still carrying some of it. But according to her, she's carrying so much and i've done NOTHING.
Sometimes she talks about leaving this house, for good. Leaving us.
And again i fear about wat am i going to do.
WHenever she opens her mouth to complain, i get paranoid. Wat new terrible things am i goign to discover about her this time?
Guilt always plagued me after a quarrel or after an episode of her unstable mind exploding on us uncontrollably. I haven't done enough. I always blame myself for not doing enuff, that's y she could go into one of these state again. I should have done more. Although yes im very upset and angry that she said i didn't contribute to anything at all, i can't say i've done ALOT. There are always so many things a person can do to help, but there's always that amount of energy. It's like saying, i really want to help, i really wish i could do everything that could ease her pressure n pain, but there's onli that much i can do, bcos im weak.
Y am i so worn out this time? I know it's childish to actually not want to speak to my mom. But that's cos u don't know my mom. My mom declares cold war with me whenever we have a fight. Sometimes, she may oso refuse to do the laundry or cook meals for me. This time...im the one who doesn't feel like speaking to her anymore. I feel that this is betta. Bcos there's noway i can speak to her properly either. I think watever she's doing, she doesn't know wat she's doing, and she has no idea wat she really wants. SHe's almost like a spoilt kid demanding her way, bcos she was deprieved of everything,sacrificing everything for us and my dad who has never treated her well. Im not saying my mom is all wrong and im like totally right. What my mom has been true, yes i do think she deserves a big damn break. Even to the point of letting her move out..if she really wants to. It will give her space,distance,time to refocus herself. Now she's juz lost in some space.
It hurts when my mom said that we are the ones giving her problems. We are causing her illness to b worse. IT hurts when she said she wans to leave. ANd it hurts when she said i've done nothing. I know i had.
I wish someone can step in and take over for a while. SO that i can rest and refocus.I wish..i really wish. I wish someone can feel the same as i do, understand the kind of pain and dilemma im always facing. I wish someone can understand the kind of guilt i go thru again and again like an endless vicious cycle. I wish someone like that can take over for a while.
I can't bochup my mom. Would u not care about ur own mother? Although i kept saying i don't care aldy...i still do care. ALot.
BUt i feel that im being forced to become so paranoid and fearful that it's so unhealthy. I want to care. Without having to b so emotional.
It's easy to say trust God regarding your family. It's easy to say let go and let God do the work. Do i not know all these? I've stopped asking God why my family has became like this? The older i am, the more ugly things i find out abt my parents. I stopped asking y. I only know there is hope, and God gave me hope, He will restore things. Everything happens for reasons. There are also many reasons y my family has become like this. But did i choose to b in this family? I've never blame God ever, not even once.Never hated God. But this time, i felt a little resentment towards Him. But yet at the end of the day, i still know that only God can help us. IF everything is so ya ya so easy, then y would He wants to see me trusting Him.
I know it's rather mean to say things like only pple who has problems similar to mine would understand the kind of pain and burdens that i bear. Im not like letting this kind of things get into my head. But well, every family has a different prob, every person has a different responsibility to their family. The only child has more responsibilities and burdens than let's say a child with 2 other siblings etc. Let's just say that, i feel like the only child. Bcos i have noone, and i mean humans with flesh, not GOd, to depend on. My dad is aldy sick. ANd god knows how much he would need in the future for medical. My dad cant shelter mi anymore, neither did he in the past, but at least he provided a flat to live in. My mom is half ill, and she has never really guided mi regarding which paths or decisions i shd make. It has always been me deciding for myself. Now, i've to take care of her too. Take her of her materially, mentally, physically,spiritually and emotionally. She's demanding i take up ALL the responsibilities at home. I have no other close relatives except for Hsiaolin's family, it's not like i have a big extended helpful relatives. Hsiaolin's family has their own problems as well. I have no other siblings except a brother whom my mom thinks i shdn't even rely on him. IN fact he's still relying on me. When u think about it, wat's the future going to b like for me?
I needed to take care of a family, long before most youngsters my age has to. There's only ONE Jia Yann.I don have the financial abilities to give them a betta life or more assurance. Anytime my dad falls ill again, ...i really do not want to think abt wat will happen. I don't even have that energy to do everything for them.Pple can think abt gonig overseas...and tell mi that i can do so if i wan. Do u really think it's possible for me? My life is not my own, from the moment my dad had fallen ill. Am i self pitying myself here?
NO.
I juz wan to explain somethings. Like how i see my life. There are some pple who plans great plans for their lives, like go traveling, go work overseas, i envy them. But i've stopped envying pple and just accept the fact taht everyone has a different path to take for their lives. U know wat my world is like?
I can't think about working overseas. Or like going for one or 2 months backpacking holiday , even if i have the money. I don't even dare to think about it. I can't possibly not have any income and at the same time, spend so much money. Wat is my family going to do? I shd b saving every single cent i can for them. I can't work overseas, bcos i can't leave my dad n mom like that. They are not like some pple's healthy parents, who can take care of themselves, who doesn't require their kids to actually support them. But my parents? Do i have a choice? I never tot about being selfish or anything. It's right to support ur parents. But my responsibilities are huge, bcos im the only one who could support them, and they cannot actually earn their keeps anymore, even tho my mom is working parttime. It's only enough to cover the family's expenditure. Some pple hardly know about what the house is spending on. ALl the expenditures. How much do u know about wat ur family spend? KNow there's such things like tv tax once a year? And every 3 mths maintenance fees ? ANd singtel charges? And electrical bills? internet bills?
My parents never paid a single cent for my phone bill before. ANd now, i've to b incharged of paying for the household. When the roof starts to leak water, i called the HDB. When the neighbors upstairs make too much noise, im the one who went up. My parents? MY mom's money? I have to settle her money issues for her. Bcos she knows nuts abt investment. I've been the one to handle her fixed deposits. AM i not like taking over her things? She had the guts to say i've done nothing ...
Whatever i do, i have to put my family 1st. Bcos they are tied to me. MY parents can't take care of themselves on their own, and nto to mention the tricky part of my mom not wanting to b with my dad. Even when i think abt the future, i've to racked my brains about how i shd settle them. Wat abt money money money.If i don't think about it, who is going to help me think?
And when im choosing a life partner, i have to choose one that will b willing to help my family. Bcos the truth is, things are really more difficult for mi and my spouse. He MUST b willing to take care of my dad. And my bro's wife MUST b willing to take care as well. It is very important lor. I wonder who else actually thinks that FAR. And if Albert doesn't fit this criteria, i seriously would have not have chose to b with him.
Im just saying, the way i look at life, the way i think about life, the decisions i make, are all fairly different from most pple. IM not asking everyone to b the same as me. Bcos y shd u? Im glad my frens are blessed and not like me.
So as i said, not everyone has the kind of experience that i went thru, or the kind of burdens that i carry. I need my frens' support of cos. I need their concern. And im happy to b with pple who has happy families! Bcos it gives mi hope. Soemthing to look forward to! But the bottomline is, my friends may not understand fully what i face bcos it's not time for them yet. Now you guys don't understand, in time to come, you would.But for now, my friends' love, concern and support give mi alot of comfort.
It's ok that my family is like that, and i lack family warmth. At least i have friends who really care and share their warmth with me. And at least i know i can start afresh with a new family of my own, one that is decent and warm, in the future, but that has to b worked on properly under God's supervision.
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