Tuesday, March 06, 2007 . 12:21 AM
I slipped into self-pity mode just now. It's been a long time since i allowed myself to even go close to that.
Im having pms. Bcos i feel really frustrated. My body is starting to feel really uncomfortable, legs feel like jelly and pre menstrual contractions. How nice. Ever since my quarrel with mom, i feel even more like shit. Mainly cos she gave mi shit, bcos of her own shit..and then i have more than enuff things to cope with.
Pple always tell me don't think so much. Just let go. Seriously speaking, how do i let go? Im angry with her yes. But there's another thing that i can't do, that is to not care about her. I cannot don't listen to her bitching and naggings, bcos it's time like that that would probably give mi a clue to her emotional state.Whether she's ok, so-so, so suicidal or bad?
Suddenly, tonight it struck me, that I AM the one to settle everything for her. Even her emotional state, her mind, i have to take care of her. Bcos she doesn't know how to handle them herself, if she was able to, she wouldn't b like this anymore.
I know y i feel so miserable. I've taken the wrong path in the past, thinking that well she shd know wat she wants, wat's best for her etc. Everytime she made a fuss, went into her unstable conditions, i'll take watever she said for real. And it made mi go in circles, trying to decipher, trying to help, trying to do my best, guilt trips of not doing all i can and that's y she is at it again. Now i know......now i know....she doesn't know wat she is doing, and she doesn't know wat she really want, neither does she knows wat is best for her. All i have to do now, is again, fixed it for her, temporarily. Its always so easy for bystanders to say let it go..don't dwell on it. U know y i dwell on it? Bcos i know that if she's really pushed to the edge, and she really does not know how to get out, she would really jump down from my house. That kind of fear? it's always in me. Everytime she goes into her unstable moods and starts complaining, or crying to me about the past, about wat happened b/w her and dad or what he did, all the bad things....how do i not get affected? One is my dad. The ugly damn truths about my dad that i wished i never had known. The ugly truth about life. They all affect mi alot. Whatever she says affects me a damn lot, to this point that i told myself no way, i've to get out of feeling like this every single time, bcos i would really feel so down. How do i actually just sit and listen to what she tells me, it's not as easy as that. I know she wans someone to tok to. I know she wans someone to vent her frustrations. BUT, please understand that she's also my mom. MY only mom ok. How do i tell myself to not b affected?
I feel very detached from my family from young. My mom trained me to b really independent. When i think about it just now, and i cried, bcos i felt this self-pitying for myself. Besides giving mi a flat to stay in, doing my laundry, cooking meals for me, my mom seldom sheltered me. Don't talk about my dad. My dad was not around most of the time we were growing up. And now, what's there to talk about him sheltering,protecting,providing his children.
IN the past, when we were young, when i 4got to bring my textbooks or money to school, if i were to call my mom for help, all i get will b scoldings. I envy my fren's mothers who would take the buses, or drive all the way down to the school, and pass them what they need for fear that they would b scolded by the teacher. Im sorry, my mom rather i b scolded. The onli major decision my mom ever made for mi was selecting, putting down the secondary schools of yuour choices on the list after PSLE. When i was in secondary sch, i envied pple whose dads would send them to and sometimes back frm sch.I enjoyed that kind of privilege for a year, here n there, when my dad felt like sending mi to school (he was so lazy he rather sleep in most of the time) and then after that, he had to sell the car bcos we weren't doing very well anymore.Even for that short privilege, it was I who actually bugged my dad to please send mi to school, bcos i so envied my friend whose dad offered to.I envied friends whose parents would fetch them home from Orchard or anywhere after they hang out with their friends, all they had to do was give them a call. I never had such things. Even if we had a car, my dad wouldn't b bothered. My mom would ask mi don give her crap. I don't particularly felt pampered. My parents never bought mi a hp b4. They did buy mi and bro computers, and scold mi when the pcs got burnt. ALl my handphones were bought by using my own hard earned money. I never had mp3s players from them. I never had my bills ever paid by them. I don't have ANY of my bills paid by them except school fees. But then again, i gez im lucky to have my school fees paid by them in cash. And that's the onli thing i thank my mom for. In many ways, i feel as if i never enjoyed pampering,sheltering from my parents. I've told myself many many years back, that it's ok. It's ok that they can't buy mi luxury material things, i buy with my own money when i have money. It's ok, i don't have to envy my frens, they have parents who dotes on them, i still have God. For the longest time ever, i felt like im always alone. Yes tho my mom has been always around, except for that period where she was away in Guangzhou and Kuching, but i always felt like im left to fend for myself and survive on my own. Besides God and friends i really had noone else. I told myself, it's ok. I only lack abit of the family warmth, i didn't lose alot. Instead of my mother sheltering me, i feel as if im sheltering her.
instead of my mother guiding mi, i feel as if im guiding her now. I feel as if i have to help her with all her problems, when pple's mothers help them with theirs. I don't feel as if im shortchanged. I don't feel like im anywhere different from everyone else. UNTIL, i think about how their parents provide for them, it's like when there's comparison, it's really clear how much i don't have. ANd i couldn't help but pity myself. It's different from saying, oh i stay alone, i don't have mother to help mi with all those things, i have to make decisions myself. yes...correct. But u 4got, you have ur parents back at home, or somewhere, who are both healthy and sane, who you can still fall back on, if you really have any problems, it doesn't need to b materially, financially, it would b just for emotional and physical support. But look at me? I don't have that! Who am i to rely on? My dad? My mom? My mom can't even settle her own things and i've to help her, how do i rely on her? How abt my bro? I think i betta rely on myself n God instead.
I really wonder, am i different seriously from everyone? Or am i the onli one who thinks im different? don't console mi by telling mi there are worse cases out there, i know that and i thank God that my situation is NOT like theirs. But i think i need to know if im really that cham. Do i have the right to b upset and down about my family.
Having said all that, im slapping myself back to 'normal' and telling myself that there's nothing to pity about.
Im still surviving, no?
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