Saturday, February 17, 2007 . 3:56 PM
Today is Chinese New Year eve.
I don't like washing dirty linens in public, but since i've aldy been pretty open about my family in this blog ..might as well ..i have no one else i could complain to anyway.
Sometimes i really feel helpless with how my family is like?
Most pple celebrate CNY with anticipation, fun, laguhters and happiness. Family members all gather together to make sure yearly rituals, customs are performed, just like previous years. You see pple that u don see at normal times.....and get bored sitting on sofas while adults gossips...
It's been terribly long since i ever had such things. My CNY were always very unhappy, and i don't expect this year to b anywhere different.
I'm trying my best NOT to fall into another self pitying state of mind. I don't know y, my family has to argue somehow every chinese new yr. And true enuough, it happeend again today.
TO many pple, i gez you don't understand how i feel. Bcos to many pple, CNY is joyous occasion. But to me and some small minority of pple, CNY is another painful reminder of how screwed up our families are. I know of some pple who hasn't had renuion dinner with their family for years. ANd i've know some pple who has commented that to sit and have dinner with their families, it's so painful that they rather go n die than eat together. MY situation is not that bad...but almost.
Every chinese new year is the time for spring cleaning. So is the same for our hidden dirty emotions towards each other. It's a time where when all the supposedly joyous things turned into distasteful for us. WE try to b happy. WE try to b nice watever, but bcos we try too hard, our anger towards things,towards each other surfaced. It's a time where our patience are really tested. And we always failed.
CNY is a time that i feel like i need to take super precautions..bcos things liek that always happened.
WHen my dad was still healthy, all those growing up years, my CNY eve and 1st day of CNY were always spent being unhappy. Moer for the 1st day lar. My dad is a very impatient person. My mom is a perfectionist. My bro and i were not allowed to slack, but pushed and nagged and scolded into changing into our new clothes so we can go out for house visiting. As if there's a prize for beign early for house visitation. What's the big deal. My mom hates my dad's impatience. He thinks we are too slow. So there you go, the moment we woke up till we step out of the hse together, we were in this tense situation....emotions and anger easily gets out of hand.
My bro loves to act cool by pulling a long emotionless face whenever he goes house visiting. Im beginning to think he's anti social and doesn't like to meet groups of pple. But anyway i can understand y he always pulls such a long face, bcos he was aldy unhappy .....
There were 2 years that we have to spend our CNY without our parents.ONe year was when dad was ill, hospitalised in Guangzhou and my mom was there to take care of him. The 2nd yr was probably bcos they were back in Kuching, bcos my dad's side of relatives had kept bugging my mom to bring my dad back. Speaking of this incident, i can't help but feel angry but it was such a total emotional ride for her, and for us and since then i think i have this thinking that my relatives like to talk, and not much action and their talks are pretty redundant. That year that they were in Kuching, i went back as well. It was seriously pathetic to celebrate cny ...when family members are not together. THe 1st yr that they were in Guangzhou, my mom was having a really hard time there taking of my dad. She was all alone in the hospital bcos the doctors and nurses had all gone back to their hometown or watever, u know China their CNY holidays could b as long as 2 weeks? She was left all alone, noone was willign to stay and helped out, even though the pple she has employed to take care of my dad together with her agreed to stay but backed out in the end. She told me she cried every single day. And back in Sg, i remembered i felt incredibly lonely and upset that they weren't around. The 2nd year was not so bad since we went back to Kuching.
After those times, it's back to not so peaceful family. Every steamboat renuion dinner at home had to be treated with care. My mom is prety unstable. I don't blame her. She's had a tough time these 28 years married to my dad. ANd bcos of many reasons and things that occured in the past, my mom is paranoid,anxious, and sometimes emotionally unstable.Don't get me wrong, she doesn't behave like a psycho or anything,but it comes out in the things she says etc... Like i said, CNY is another painful reminder of how incomplete this family is.
ON the surface, oh we look fine........but actually..... there are so many probs in this family that ...i don't know...noone can solve except God i gez.
Today my mom was pulling a long face by the time i woke up. I decided i shall try to avoid any clash with her sicne today is CNY eve and from experience, i know CNY eve is cursed( for us anyway). So i did all the things that a filial daughter would, mop the floor, cleaned the toilet, talked to her etc.... Then my dad has to b funny and asked mi to ask my mom to cut his fingernails for him. MY dad's right hand is paralysed aldy, so yes he doesn't need someone to cut for him.ANd yes, his fingernails are long.WHat i meant he was trying to b funny was that..he should have asked on another day. NOT TODAY. In fact, i said i'll cut. HE said i cannot make it. -_- )_*^*(&()*)_(&
OH and btw, my mom doesnt' talk to my dad anymore and vice versa. They use us as the messenger and translator. SO my mom went and cut my dad's nails. ANd then couldn't stop nagging n complaining abt how my dad treated her etc...then fniished aldy, went on to scold my bro etc..which is just a misunderstanding but bcos of how she said things etc my bro took it badly and shouted back etc creating more misunderstandings instead of solving the issue and hey i was just trying to watch my tv there. Then i tried to explain things to each of them. I realised, that yes we really have too many dirty linens to wash....that we don't even dare to wash infront of each other. WE don't want to talk abt all these, bcos in our own ways we want to b normal and happy. WE are afraid that talking about all these will eventually end up in defensive arguements. ANd i realised that my bro...is still ..immature.
Even though im not involved in any of the arguments today...i felt as if my heart sank a thousand miles to the ground. I felt like crying. Y shdn't i? Everything is just too sad.
WE deserve a hapy CNY. Y shdn't we? BUt i kept hearing things like 'what's there to celebrate? no mood to celebrate...' from my mom.. and i can't help but feel like telling her to pls just stop it. It's not like anyone of us really wants to celebrate. But we are all just trying to get as much joy from pple ard us...so that we can b happy too....y keep telling urself that it's not worth celebrating and make urself miserable??
I feel like my spirits are totally dampened. And yes. I don't feel like celebrating CNY too. To all the pple out there who thinks they have a pathetic CNY, then i hope it's comforting to u all that there's one more family here that belongs to ur pathetic club.
TO others who have a happy family...wish u guys a happy CNY.
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