Friday, December 01, 2006 . 1:57 PM
I've managed to upload the 2 clips. One of onli the flips and the other one that included the whole dance. Like i said, the day i took this vid was the 4th time that i ever practiced the flips. Not perfect. But it's one of the simplest basic flips. If u think im lousy in these, it's ur own opinions lar. Juz to let u know plpe do practice for a yr or 2 before getting these right.
I have 2 more weeks, which means 4 more practices to the real perfomance on 16th. Today is aldy 1st dec. MY feeling towards the whole thing is one of total siansiation.Mayb it's cos my period is coming next week and im starting to have PMS.Alternatively, i think could the combination of feeling 'restricted' by my dancing commitments. I almost broke down yesterday, at raffles town club. I was in such a bad mood, and i've no idea y. On my way there, i kept thinking oh how tired i am, how little time i have for myself, how little time i spend at home, how little time i spent with my frens, how little time i have for the remaining practice...how tired i am over these few weeks, and y am i doing all these.Argh.
I love dancing. I really do.But practicing like that, even tho it's not much by professional dancer's standard aldy enuff to drive mi to the point of exhaustion. I think it's more of a mental exhaustion. The mental stress.Sometimes i go thru the steps, what i shd do in my head. And i worry. Even tho Derrick kept assuring mi that u don't have to worry juz go up and do your things, everyone is at their own standard of dancing, noone will pick on u and say ur bad etc, bcos u gonna return next yr with even betta,more stunning results.But still, let's b honest. I really do not want to fail. Haha.. When i decide to do something, and i've put in my effort in this, i really wan to have a gd result.But nah my primary concern is not this.
Im questioning myself the reasons y i put myself into tortures. Even tho yes Derrick looks after my well being alot, as in he won't ask mi to do any dangerous stunts and things he chose for mi to do are always on the safer side, he always makes sure i won't fall etc. I've heard of lots of stories of female partners falling, hurting and injuring themselves and their partner can't b bothered. He's not like that. But sometimes i feel like i can't do wat i wan bcos of my dance commitment. Im not that kind of person who can commit. Yet i think i've changed into someone who is really repsonsible. It comes to this point that i can't take it anymroe and i will feel like breaking down and cry bcos i feel restricted. I feel suffocated. Juz the tot of not being able to choose what i FEEL like doing drives mi crazy. EVen when it meant little things. For example, when i wake up in teh morning, i think abt having to actually not able to go home after work, like i have dance today(tues) and yesterday monday i was out bcos i had to settle somethings and tomoro(wed) i have to meet a fren and thurs i have to go for dance again. Man..it really drives mi nuts. I have no word to describe the feeling except sian.I tahaned till last nite i realluy couldn't. When im in such a bad mood, i still have to try focus and come on juz learn all the dance steps...all the different dances...when i don feel like it. I don't care what pple say abt...whether u feel like it or not, there are things that u have to do. But pls. Im a responsible person who can't put things down for things like emotions and feelings. Wherelse others juz simply bochap, when they don't feel like it.Y can't i b like that? I also need a break sometimes. I oso want to do what i feel like doing.Feeling so drained by everything.Still have to plan for a holiday.Really feel v tired and cannot make it..sighz..
ANyway, Justin had announced on tuesday to us that he has placed us into professional competition on 15th dec (fri), the day before 16th. Professional u know..bcos my instructor is an instructor so we can't qualify for amateur ones. He said our cheorography is v gd so can one...can go for competition -_-.... while it's also an international one..cos the other 9 couples are from all over the world. See how i die liao lor.
Since i reckon i will die on 16th so might as well die on 15th too. Im juz gonna bochup aldy. It's the same kind of mentality towards studies, when i was still a student. Die die liao lor. Nothing i can do.The last part of the journey is like that liao...the more u worry the more torture u gonna bring urself. Juz whack lar.
Anyway the vids were taken for ourselves to see, bcos we can't see ourselves, how we perform even tho there are mirrors. There are many nitty gritty details u have to improve and eliminate, and u can onli see that when u take a vid of urself. I think i need to treat every practice session as a real perfomance now.If not whne i go on stage, i'll revert to my nua nua state, like normal practice where no one is really watching....when i get terrified...i mean nervous on stage..muscles tend to cramp when ur nervous mah..so muz do much betta during normal practice, then standard will drop alittle during real perfomance...aiyah u all get i mean??
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