Wednesday, November 22, 2006 . 11:22 AM
This morning my mom is at it again. Yesterday oso kept scolding my dad nonstop. She has to bring dad to polyclinic with bro, everytime she has to do something like this her temper is really bad. She feels like my dad owe her so much and she still have to do all these for him, she hates being seen with my dad.
My dad has a piece of land, given by his dad to him. And we are intending to tranfer it to mi and my bro.In case ur thinking we are rich, im sorry to say that the land has been frozen by the government and it's not for sale as for now...till God knows when. But we have our reasons for transferring the land to us..let's juz say..safeguarding our properties. Complicating issues lar. The lawyer's letters are here. One of my aunt's husband is a lawyer so we are settling this under his law firm and he gets it done pretty fast. ONe aunt then sent us the letters to b signed..I onli saw it on monday bcos i think it onli came on monday. I was checking mails evryday then so im quite sure it came on monday. My dad has to put 8 sets of thumbprints on the letters..i intended to buy the ink pad yesterday but i didn't have time. SO today this morning i saw the ink pad on the table, my mom bought it. Then after looking at the ink pad i put the things aside. My mom took it as i don wan to settle the whole thing(after all mi and bro has to sign) she accused mi of dragging the thing there for so many days and my aunt in sarawak will complain lor. Like y we always don't juz do things, always like to drag n drag. She cannot stand it. then she started scolding my dad so much abt the past, how he always drags and purposely avoided things like these, she canot say much in the past bcos my dad always scolds her if she comments anything. Then she don't care, and for 20 yrs she don't care then my dad always mess things up. Then i told her im going to do it, she should learn to not b so uptight over such things. Then she started saying things like she doesn't trust anyone anymore and this is bcos of my dad. She doesn't trust mi oso. -_- then i was very angry bcos it's so hurting. I told her i'll get it done. Then she still carry on saying, wait for you donoe muz wait how long.
BUt the thing is...it's ok to drag this. Im not dragging for months!! Im onli dragged it for 2 days heloo? AND i was seriously going to do it!!!! I told her that let them wait lar! There's no deadline or antyhign y u so uptight. Plus my aunt included a personal note with the lawyer's letters, saying some things like don't let ur mom do the thumbprints for ur dad. And she trusts that i will do it right and send it back asap. The last time round with some lawyer's letters that needed my dad's thumbprints my mom didn't do it right, cos was our 1st few times of doing thumbprints ourselves. Then we had to do it again and the letter was sent back n forth. SO she didn't wan us to do that this time. SOmehow i didn't like the way she said things as in ' don't let my mom do it' What is that supposed to mean? So i tot heck them. This is not something that has a deadline. Im busy as well. I'll get it done asap, according to my schedule of cos. And that's asap for you. Im not dragging it for ages anyway.
I know she's uptight bcos of her own emotional thing again. SHe's feeling trapped. I feel that her being 50 yrs old..being so old, is still not clear abt why she feels abt things the way she is..she doesn't really know herself well lor. She juz let circumstances take her over. I know y she's so fed up. Bcos she thinks that she can let us handle but yet she see that we keep draggng, she feels trapped, she cannot s tand it..she wanna do it herself but if she does it herself she will feel like noone is helping her. Both ways oso cannot. So she's v angry. With herself!!! Not us!!!
IM very hurt. SHe always says i don help enuf. She always says that she's the onli one doing everything and the one supporting the whole family. She always makes mi feel like i don't do enuff. Im aldy trying my best. She wans mi to b perfect? If onli she can change the way she looks at things. She said she doesn't trust mi. Then i asked her to go do herself then. Then she started saying we don't help out. Im always so busy. Don't know busy with wat...
Come on. Im onli 24 yrs old. I have my own life to live. On top of that, i have to manage family life and im freaking trying my bestest aldy, this is the best i can do. It's never enuff i know. It's never juz enuff, bcos we can always improve and progress... But she doesn't get it. Her mentality has to change. It's either do it or not do it. Y get trapped ?? I used to b trapped like that. I refused to now. Like i said, it's either do it or u don't. If u think we are not helping, then get us to do it. if we don't then y feel trapped urself? Juz don't care and leave us to die..or u juz do it?
Instead of always picking on how much we lack, shdn't she appreciate how gd her children are? We are doing watever we can lor..............y cannot b appreciative? SHe's like juiz waiting for a chance to say we are not doing much by juz anything we do not do lor...she sees it as she has to get us to do something then we do, then it's like not counted u know?
I oso have my own life, im trying so hard to manage everything. She thinks i can b perfect? She makes mi feel like there's something wrong with me. Everytime she does this, it makes mi wanna do more and guilty that i've been so concerned abt myself onli. But this time no. I know i got do things, mayb not as much as she hopes etc. But i know i got do. And i don't wan to listen to her rubbish. BCos i can see things perfectly.
I refused to get upset over it. I juz let her scold n scold. Until i feel that i shd tell her off on how illogical she is... i ended up shouting in the end bcos i couldn't stand the things she said.
When i slammed the door and walked out of my hse tis morning, i aldy know wat is the root of all these probs with her....I don't wan to b angry with her....Bcos i know she needs love more than anyone. But i can't help her! Bcos onli Jesus can help her forgive and let go. I asked God for forgiveness for the anger i displayed towards her. But yet i hurt..bcos it's as if she hurt mi agan and again. I found it hard to pray and ask God to take away the hurt and the anger i feel towards her bcos of that.But i did....
AM i wrong to b so busy? Im doing my part dancing, i oso wanna use my dancing to earn more money. I have so many other things i wanna do, and im aldy giving up alot for this family u know? I purposely find time to stay home to rest for myself and also time for family. Like i know im really doing something! But im juz so tired. physically so tired aldy. How else u wan mi to do more. I have hundred and one things to settle n think abt. I will get down to doing it. I won't drag so long. But so? she doesn't trust mi mah. I juz wanna show her that she can't say things like that juz bcos she's emotional. She has to trust mi and she wans to say otherwise and hurt mi and herself. That's really gd lor.............................
Im really tired.
Tired of my responsiblities.
My family are never supportive of watever i do. Im always alone. And yet i have so many reponsibilities. If i were to really compare myself with the other 24 -yr-olds, i think i place much more importance in my family than many of them do. But there's no use comparing anyway. Bcos everyone has different lives and everyone has a different family story to tell.
My awareness of my dependence on my parents are really short. For as long as i rem, i've always been pretty alone. Mayb it's my fault, bcos in my teenage years i conciously dragged myself away from them. MY mom always trusted mi to b able to handle my things bcos she knows im very stable and matured. I decide how i wanna study, she never pressurised me. IN fact she won't even ask abt how am i doing. I handle my own things, i decide what subjects i wanna take. I decide which JC to go. BY this i meant....she didn't advice....
I take care my own needs. We were so poor then. SHe gave mi 200 bucks to survive for the whole month in JC and i have to settle everything myself, and i seldom ask her for extra. IN sec sch it was 100 bucks per month ok. Books,busfares,meals, watever i wanna buy for myself...i have to know how to manage it within 100/200 bucks. Unlike my stupid bro, i seldom and i mean it...i seldom ask for any extra. If i have to spend more on books this month i'll skimp and save on others. I seldom depended on my mom for my emotional needs also. My dad were always not ard, working late into the nite....I chose my own Uni, i figured my way ard, bcos im the eldest, theres no one to give mi advice. I don't have older cousins etc either. I always juz have to figure my way out myself. The onli thing i depended on my parents were my monthly allowance. EVEN this felt gd. Bcos at the end of the day i still feel that little dependence on them. Btw..i was still surviving on 200 bucks per month in Uni. I know of pple who had 400 bucks since sec sch lor.
WHne this is taken away, when i start earning my own money. I start to feel like the weight of the whole family is on me, financially and emotionally. I began to feel like im the parent ...not the kid... i have no one to depend on.Not even my parents.I even have to pacify my mom's emotional needs...like im sayanging a child. Seriously, when ur parents grow older they began to act like a child. Now i regret to fully enjoying my childhood and display my childishness as much as possible back then.
This is y..sometimes i think i can identify more with foreigners who are studying/working here...bcos they don have that dependency on their parents, juz like i don't. But im different from them bcos they at the same time don have that much responsiblities to their parents who are faraway, but i have.....i always think of them..they are always behind me. Everything i do i consider my family b4 making other decisions. THis.......i bet my mom doesn't even know......i wish...i can have that dependence on them again. KNowing that no matter wat happens, my parents can settle those things for mi. But please...my dad can't b bothered in the past and now he's sick. My mom doesn't know how to settle. And so it's juz mi liao lor.......... and leave my bro out of this..he's too young. And i do wish to shelter him as much from the cruel realities of this world, which i gez i managed to..for a few yrs. Bcos my dad was sick when he was onli 18....that's how young...too young to b able to handle the whole stress ... im glad we sheltered him till now ..one day he muz take over some of hte responsiblities lor.
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