Thursday, October 26, 2006 . 11:22 AM
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Freaking hell im gonna start complaining here. BE warned!!!
But let me check wat have i complained so far in my previous blog....wait ah.
So yes i've embarrassed myself on 2 accounts of my performance..and my instructor i gez. But he doesn't really mind. He thinks im doing great given the short time i was trained.
And yes, i was dancing on monday, thursday(for practice,training)..friday salsa party performance, sat's wedding din 's performance. And sunday was free for myself and church.
MOnday i stayed home even tho i had off...to clean up my room. Boring stuffs. Besides churning out lots of dust and more distubring diaries, records of the past relationship, im pretty proud of my room. It looks more for human use now instead of dog hse.
And i fell ill on tuesday. SO sad. MY HOLIDAY. So i stayed home and watched my Goong vcd. I wasn't very happy bcos i know i have to get down to chinatown's Xenbar to show my dance to the owner. I shall not put his name here. HE and his partner are pretty famous, they always appear in newspapers and tv ..and u can find them in youtube even. Anyway showed my dance. I actually wanted to cancel this thing but my instructor insisted i come down since the guy is very busy. I know hisconcerns. If i don come down the ncannot show then cannot proceed on..and as long as we drag ..we don have time for the salsa festival which is somewhere in dec 10+ ..the date. So being the super nice and understanding mi (which i absolutely hate abt myself sometimes..) i went down. Specially went down. reached there 8pm. Derrick(instructor) promised me that i onli have to go and show the dance, then can leave, but i know sure will have somethign to drag mi back one lar. So it turned out the feed back was that we have to make our dance actions everything sharp and powerful. Cannot b so soft etc...i mean feedbacks are welcomed bcos that is the thing that will spur us to improve. ANd it's not very welcomed bcos i think im not a pro, and i don need to take shit to improve myself. I mean wats the whole pt of being being so stressed out over some performance at the salsa festival, with lots of international pro dancers?! Y do i need to take shit?!!!
So he suggested we practice for another hr,since he aldy gave us feedback as to where to improve, then he come back and see us dance again. And derrick actually said ok. I was like ..................im sick. I don wan to b here. Wat happened to the promise? I know from his point of view was that, he doesn't wan mi to make another trip down here and waste the trip since im aldy here. But i don care!!! I juz don wan to take all these crap esp when im sick.
You may think y derrick of all person really wans to b dancing with mi. NO 1) mayb he wanna take advantage of me, but i doubt so. It's all dancing in his head.
He tahaned all my nosense and is v patient with me, never rushing me.
The reasons he gave mi for wanting mi to dance with him so much were 1) i learn very fast. Yes i know i do.
2) I have talents in dancing. Yes i know i roughly do. Or mayb it's the early training in dancing. I don think i dance VERY well. But enuff to pose off as well. And within so little training...yes im surprised i can do that. He juz have to point out something that is wrong, and like minutes later when i try again, i would have aldy fixed that part which was wrong, some pple needs like a few times to fix the prob.
3) Im very trainable. The other dancers outside, despite being very gd but it's another thing to develop chemistry. So it's betta to train someone who is not so gd but trainable...
4) he trains mi to catch up with his standard then we will train together to improve and go on to professional standards.
WOW big plans huh. I don really care. One part of me, i feel alittle excited that woah u mean i can dance like a pro? Another part of me cannot b bothered.
There's one sickening thing abt mi that i hate. I mean despite the fact that im so kind n nice. There's another thing, which is...i never put in enuff effort in anything. WHy? A number of reasons?
Bcos i don think it's worth putting ALL my efforts in ANything? Bcos i think nothing is worth it of cos. If i don see wat's the result of the hard work, i won't even start putting in effort. I don need to prove to myself that i can go that far. Mayb that's y i'll end up having accomplishing nothing much in life.I don't think accomplishments happen to b on my list of piorities or how i measure how well i spent my life. Of cos i feels gd to have some accomplishment. But the thing is, as long as ur happy doing wat u are doing, that's an accomplishment. Event ho im not a CEO of some company, even tho im not like a manager...i'm accomplishing things in my own way, in my own area. I don believe in putting all my energy and efforts into one thing. Bcos there are many other things in this world that are more important and needs more attention, like my family, liky my rabbit,like my frens and importantly God.
Im here to learn to dance. Im here to have fun dancing. But dancing like that is no fun unless u go performing, that performing will become a goal for u to work towards improving. But when it becomes obsession with performing and perfecting ....it becomes stressful.
And i know Jiayann HATES to b stressed out. I can handle stress. I can multitask or watever shit. I can remain really calm and stable in times of stressful situation that needs immediate attention(that's y i think i can b customer service line..but blah..that's besides the point.) But i do not like being stressed out. Some pple think stress is something that drives them. without stress..without a goal they are juz not motivated. Im not like that. I question wat is the point of it? I have enuff things of this world to b stressed abt...why do i need to b more stressed? Crazy.
So i told derrick to tell the guy im not staying.Bcos i don feel well. And i managed to get away and go home.
I donoe y i have to work so hard for some salsa festival as if it's my life and death like that. But yes it's an experience. An invaluable one. To see how far i can go n improve within this 1.5 mths.
The guy told derrick later in the nite, that im not bad.Quite gd can b trained .Derrick in turn told mi abt it. And i was juz thinking..yeah rite..derrick may b lying to me to make mi feel betta or b more motivated to do betta........watever it is..i don think im gonna b pushed ard for this. It's hard to b motivated unless i wan to b motivated get it? I won't wan to go for perfomance unless i myself wan to lar..and i myself will want to do betta bcos i wan to go for performance. If it's bcos derrick wanna go then y would i b happy doing it???
Today im supposed to go for dance practice again. Bloody hell, these 2 weeks been dancing n dancing..kanasai )_(()*&*^&^$ ...then u know im sick rite. btw..the nite i went home from xenbar i had fever and whole body was aching like crazy. And there i was lying in bed thinking how bloody idiotic i had to go down to xenbar when im sick and now make myself even more sick. Last nite i couldn't sleep bcos of the irritation of my throat. Hence i called derrick this morning in an attempt to cancel today's practice. I know very well that we do not have much time left for practice for the salsa fest. It's onli 1.5 mths away. Which means the most 6 weeks more. And we can onli intensively practice twice a week...and prob like 2 hrs each practice...so 2 times 4 times 6..wat do u get? 48 hrs of practice onli, while professionals practice 8 hrs a day for freaking months. So me trying to cancel is like....nono...but i offered an alternative. That im willing to spend some time this sat dancing. Done.
So my sat is burnt. Thank you very much.
That's all i have to complain.
1.5 mths more. And i'll have my freaking big break.
WHAT IS THE WHOLE POINT????
Im asking myself that...............................................kns.
i forgot to add somethings.
Next tuesday, i was told by him to go down to hong lim cc ( near chinatown, clarke quay mrt) at 8pm and he will be having class. After class we can practice abit. then go down to xenbar in chinatown(padoga st) ard 10pm to dance for the guy to see and have more feedback.-_- looks like im onli goibng to head home at 12am since derrick said we prob can go off at 11pm. Ha.
Mayb i can skip mon's class.
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