Monday, September 18, 2006 . 10:46 AM
Sometimes i think my mood swings as fast as the weather, or flipping the pages of a book. And my thoughts are progessing so fast that a blog can hardly keep up with me.
I had a temporary few days of 'feeling happier' towards the end of the week last week, not cos it's towards the end of the week...but bcos something in my head 'clicked' and i finally was englightened, so i wasan't depressed. I was confined to bed on last monday cos of the cramps that plagues mi once every month. And the doc was kind enuff to give mi another day of mc, which was really useful..and i stayed home.
I gez im in a state of running away. Running away from? Almost every single thing in my life. I've lost the courage to face everything in my life, yet i don't want pple ard mi to know that i can't handle wat im going thru anymore. I don't wan pple to worry. I don't want pple to pity me. I don't wan pple to tell me i've got a prob. And i do not want pple to tell me what i should do, even tho i wish someone could take away everthing. But it's impossible for any human beings to take away my probs, to lift me out of my sorrows. All these time, that i've been seeking for a comfort, a relieve from the pain, i was seeking for only one thing and that's GOd. Yet, i've kinda ran away from God as well...i juz don wish to face my problems, so how and why would i go to God to tell him of my probs which i do not even want to face or believe it's there.
When i joked, when i laffed, when i pretended to b normal...over a period of time, i do believe that im not that different from my other frens...we are bothered by those mundane stuffs n problems...until one day, once again, i realise that my experience is very different from them. I've stopped asking myself the question of ,'why?' ...'Why do you allow such things to happen?' ..'Why do you have to make mi bear this burden?'.. I once slipped into such self pity and depression 3-4 years ago asking why. when i was 12, i asked Why...but the problems then was just lack of money and my mom shielded me from all the other problems that she was facing... when she could no longer have the energy to shield me after my dad was ill, i began so called ' adult-life', suddenly, i have all these 'adult' issues to handle. I couldn't. There wasn't many pple to help. I was like an isolated island. Nobody can understand. And i conquered it, with God's help. But left me insecure and traumatised.
Now, i think im undergoing another phase of realising another damn stage of adulthood. Besides handling 'adult' issues, i have to handle emotional 'adult' issues, which strictly speaking, aren't my business, and it shd b solved b/w the adults. But why am i inside all these? How am i supposed to solve them,27 years of hatred and anger? I've stopped asking myself Why. I never blamed God for putting me in any of these situations. I asked Why. But i've accepted this is the kind of life that im given. And yes i've grown alot, and much stronger going thru all these. I do not understand the significance of it all..it doesn't matter. What matters is that im placed here to help 2 person solve their 27 years of miscommunication n hatred. How am i supposed to do that? I can't.
I feel like running away. Even a day of being carefree, and worrying abt wat to wear, wat clothes to buy is like a blessing for me. I don't wan to be reminded of how broken we are. I don't want to have to solve all these issues that i know it's not in my power to do so?
What do you want me to do, God? Pray? bcos i've not been praying.. Trust you to improve things, bcos only you can solve the most complicated emotional problems? Ask for courage to face the problems? No i don't wan to ask for courage.......im giving them all to you. We are all in your safe hands. You are still in control, you will make things betta.
I can't take it anymore. Just let me run abit more..............
At the end of all these, i still think not many pple can understand what i go thru, and this is not a statement of selfpity nor self centeredness, it's juz a fact. Don't tell me it's juz life. do you start crying in your sleep? Do you feel like crying whenever pple talk abt family, and remind you of how broken urs is? Do u feel like ur heart aches, and a lump in your throat, and tears in your eyes and when you start crying, you feel like there are so MUCH sadness in you that you can't finish crying them out? I gez onli God knows exactly how i feel...exactly how my mom has been hurting and exactly what my dad thinks.
I can't take it anymore. I don't wan to cry anymore. Just let me run abit more...............
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