Thursday, August 24, 2006 . 11:51 AM
I've been rather troubled since sunday. Over many many many things. First of all, an update of my leg probs. I've been really frustrated, pek chek, watever the word u wanna use, over my discomfort. I was told a joint(lower back..buttocks) has shifted position and everytime i come out of the chinese doc after putting back the joint to the original position, the joint will juz come out itself. This is when i think TCM is rather amazing. One touch of your butt area and they know the joint is out. Over these 2 mths of treatment, i don't need them to tell mi that it's out again either, i've learnt to recognise the symptoms when the joint is out. Either my left of right leg will will aching like hell,from the butt to the thighs. Or this particular part of the butt area hurt. I can't describe the discomfort i've felt. Stand oso cannot, sit oso cannot. Lie down oso feel like wanting to chop off my legs. But this is not somethign that happened onli recently, ive aldy have the aching in my right leg for the past freaking 2-3 yrs. Y didn't i seek treatment earlier? Bcos the stupid me didn't think that it can b treated, or it will go away soon (apparently in pain for 2 yrs n i still think so...) or i tot i can live with the pain, like how i can live with pms and menstrual cramps every mth, or i tot even if i go to the doc i won't know how to freaking hell describe my pain to him/her. As i think i've mentioned b4, i did go and see the polyclinic doc prob a yr back when it was hurting hell badly. I was thinking, well if i t's serious the doc can refer mi to the specialist and i can get consultation cheaper since recommended by polyclinic. The stupid female doc ( i specially asked for female ..) told mi that i'm fine and sent mi off with a cream that i can apply to EASE the pain. Not solve the freaking prob. So i was pretty convinced that i'm ok... now i know how not to trust doctors...doctors oso makes mistakes...
Like last time nuh A & E doc told mi that YC was suffering from urine infection. I mean wat the hell is urine infection? It doesn't take alot, even idiots can understnad the proper term shd b urinary tract infection. -_- And then it turned out it's dengue...instead of urine infection. I don't blame them on that, cos dengue has a window period of not detecting the illness..
Anyway back to my problem,I went to a healing service.
And let mi tell u roughly wat healing service is about. Its like a normal service, we praise and worship God, sermons...then asked to b prayed for by Bro Francis Khoo.
So this guy went up to b prayed for back problems, and as he was being prayed, his was shaking all over. It was as if an invincible force was going thru his back and front as the person was guiding it up and down the spine..
Simply put, God can heal you bcos he's the great physician.The power of the Holy Spirit is beyond our understanding. So there was a long Q before me and i overheard things that he prayed for them, God revealing thru his mouth and the miraculous healings. When he came to me, i wanted to tell him that pls pray for my leg, but i didn't, thinking that he will know bcos God will tell him anyway. But he didnt. He prayed for my emotional needs instead.
He came close to me and whispered, God loves you alot. You often feel that pple don't understand and u feel alone, but God knows and He understands.
HE asked if i'm married. I said no. HE asked have i juz been thru a broken relationship bcos he could feel/see alot of bad memories in me. I told him yes, abt a yr ago. He prayed for me, for giveness against the person. And i think God was also refering to my family...my bad memories, my pain..my unforgiveness towards my dad. He told mi that i have alot of things on my mind, asked me to submit them to God..and spend more time with God...
At the back of my mind then, i was thinking...God please heal my legs...y u telling mi all these that i do not really feel that i needed them ..i admit i do struggle wit hthe fact that pple don't understand wat i'm going thru(my family,relationship, career, leg probs) and i've been really angry with YC and my dad etc..but how abt my legs!
I realised as i go thru this week, that GOd was refering to wat i'll face in the coming week, the struggles will come to me again. I looked back and held on to the promise that God really loves me. I feel so alone. I've been crying everyday, i can't stop it. I'm like a nut case on the loose. Nobody will want to always feed a weeping nut case.. I don't know y i can b so depressed. Noone will really understand the pain that i go thru, unless they also have experienced, even a little experience would do..of a broken family, of a mother who is depressed and threatens to kill herself, of a father who wasn't there most of hte time, sick and many unforgiving issues...of a stupid oppressed relationship, of health robbed from me .... I have to stop self pitying. I was crying last nite when God snapped me out of my foolishness.
I've been so blinded bcos i was onli seeing my own miseries. There are many other pple out there who needs hope, love and help. God has blessed mi with so many things in the past, done many miracles, provided many things, but when i'm so down in the pits, all i could think of is why am i not being helped...when in fact i was being helped...if no one understands, He does. If i don feel loved, He loves me. I understood y God didn't deal with my leg n chose to reveal to mi abt my emotional needs, bcos it's linked. TO HIm, my emotions, past hurts are more impt and if they are handled, my leg prob will go away.
Once Lloyd was praying for my leg. He tot it's my right leg that needs to b prayed for. So he started praying.I didn't get a chacne to tell him actually, now the prob is the left one instead of the right..After praying for a while, he stopped and asked me..,'er issit your left leg? i have a feeling that i shd b praying for the left'. I kinda gave a laff and embarrasingly said,' yes left one actually.' So he began praying for the left, and then decided to pray for the back as well. IN actual fact, the muscles behind my back were v tight that day and giving mi alot of probs too. God reveals...as we seek Him.. After he finised praying, he mentioned that he kinda feel that this is linked to how much i want fatherly love. Back then i was puzzled... But right then in church, i cried. I know that deep down, i wished i had more fatherly love. Always bring tears to my eyes. When bro francis khoo prayed for mi and now that i understood, i also know that God has to tackle all these knots in mi that i couldn't solve for years.....father,mother,hurts..pains..
I'm very touched. I almost cried when bro francis khoo prayed. Bcos to know that GOd understands and see wat i've been going thru, like deep within mi, not the 'happy' person i protray on the surface...i'm really v touched.
I was lying in the chinese doc's place, when the woman lying beside was undergoing her treatment. I don't know wat exactly was wrong with her, she can't walk properly..she's very much in pain. I can't see her, bcos there was a curtain b/w each patient. But i heard her groan in pain.. and she started crying bcos it was too painful, the treatment. The docs were trying to pacify her, comforting her. She has been seeking many other docs, been suffering..she is not improving. She muttered tat after work, while coming here, she couldn't walk fast, she juz couldn't walk properly and the off work pple were all giving her irritated tsks behind her...rushing impatiently. My heart sank. Y are pple so insensitive and lack of compassion for pple who aren't as healthy as them. Y judge others on the same scales like themselves? If they can do it, doesn't mean everyone else can do the same. Y are they rushing, and missing out the fact that there are pple who needs help, so blinded by their own lives. I was lying there and thinking, gosh i can relate to wat she went thru. Bcos there are times when i feel so uncomfy that i can't walk fast and pple shoving mi and giving mi shit. Am i self pitying again? I don think so.
It sure doesn't feel gd at all to b sick. To b needy. How much would i give to once again not feel pain or discomfort. HOw much i would give to be dancing like normal pple. HOw much would i give to be complete...to b whole emotionally and physically. I know i'll give so much thanks to God...i will b so thankful i'll never take my health lightly again.
Sometimes b4 i sleep, while lying in bed, i prayed that God takes the pain away so that i can sleep properly. Right there n then, the pain went off....haha.. well..i donoe if u guys will believe it.. But yeah... =) .. God is my instant pain reliever :p..
Im not trying to b drama mama..these are really wat went thru my head and wat i have to go thru .. I thank God for revealing all these to me, in His own time. Thank you Father, that my joint has not moved posiiton since the last treatment and i ask that you give mi strength to go thru these. And watever i've shared today on this entry, be of good use to pple who reads them.
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