Wednesday, August 30, 2006 . 4:24 PM
Im back again with more depressing news to share. haha
1st of all, thanksgiving. God kept my joint in place most of last week. It finally came out of position on sun, so i was again suffering the terrible butt aches. And pple who showed concern and bothered to ask how am i etc...im really thankful. Even if they are not close to me. Count my blessings.
When i tot depression has left me, it came back once again on monday when i lost control of my emotions and there ..again a nut case. Sometimes i ask myself y am i so crazy? Do other pple get depression attacks like me? OR am i so weak? That ican't even tahan a little physical pain....tho i really don't think it's even little lor. BUt i mean there are pple who has it worse than me, their pain double triple of mine, sometimes i think if i were in their shoes, i would wish that God u juz finish mi off instead. Ah but that's not the point..
Let's talk abt JOnah, the prophet.
http://www.rbc.org/bible_study/discovery_series/booklet/31047.aspx
i was reading thru the booklet that explains the book of Jonah last nite. You can view it in PDF in that website if you want to.
I've read the book of Jonah a few days ago. There are only 4 chapters. And then a few days later i was clearing my room and i found a booklet regarding Jonah. I think God wanted to tell mi something....i read it last nite..
Personally, i think Jonah is a really interesting book, bcos there a GOd who chased after a man(Jonah) who literally ran away to escape His presence. Jonah was told to pass a message to the great city of Niveneh, Israel's enemies, of how God has seen their evil and will condemn n destroy them. But Jonah, know that even tho GOd meant what He said, He is a loving God full of mercy and will not destroy them if they repent. That is what Jonah didn't wan to see, ie Niveneh being saved. So he ran away. Got on a ship. God sent storms, eventually the men on board had to throw Jonah out of the ship bcos they know that the calamity is dued to him. Jonah, had no intention of repenting...he rather die than listen to God abt going to Niveneh. Then God prepared a big fish which swallowed him, and he was in the belly for 3 days. Then he finally surrendered and repented. HE finally acknowledged that God is sovereign and He can make forces of nature obey Him.
From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the LORD his God. 2 He said:
"In my distress I called to the LORD,
and he answered me.
From the depths of the grave [a] I called for help,
and you listened to my cry.
3 You hurled me into the deep,
into the very heart of the seas,
and the currents swirled about me;
all your waves and breakers
swept over me.
4 I said, 'I have been banished
from your sight;
yet I will look again
toward your holy temple.'
5 The engulfing waters threatened me, [b]
the deep surrounded me;
seaweed was wrapped around my head.
6 To the roots of the mountains I sank down;
the earth beneath barred me in forever.
But you brought my life up from the pit,
O LORD my God.
7 "When my life was ebbing away,
I remembered you, LORD,
and my prayer rose to you,
to your holy temple.
8 "Those who cling to worthless idols
forfeit the grace that could be theirs.
9 But I, with a song of thanksgiving,
will sacrifice to you.
What I have vowed I will make good.
Salvation comes from the LORD."
10 And the LORD commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land
It is man's nature n instinct to run away from God.Sometimes, we are too ashamed, or we are too proud, full of pride, thinking we are able to settle our own things, wat for ask God to help us...or we do not want to do the things God asks us to do...many reasons... and we run away, block him out.
ON monday, i was going thru a really bad time, feeling as if i was stuck in a mud pit.Literally stuck and squeezed till i can suffocate with anger and die. let's juz put it simply wat happened. I felt that my dance instructor didn't care abt my leg condition and still asked mi to do what i do not wish to do, he wanted mi to stay for the dance class bcos there aren't enuff gals aldy to dance with the other guys. I requested that i leave bcos i really wasn't feeling well, the joint has aldy moved out of position. I juz don like the feeling of being forced. And being the nice person i am, i couldn't reject him, then i juz got more n more suffocated. It's not that i didn't stand up for what i wanted, i tried, but he pleadded with me to stay. I juz can't bring myself to reject anymore u get wat i mean?
Once again, i struggle with questions of whether i'm too nice for my own gd. Pple play on my compassion,on my goodness. I struggled with it terribly here n there. I hate myself for being too nice... for not able to say no. For always thinking of the person n others who asked me to do certain things. It's such a hard thing to explain to pple.. there are pple who juz do as they please, they are pple who doesn't think of being considerate. Mayb i think too much. Mayb i'm the one who needs to change.
Im not saying i'm so self righteous. OR that i don have times when i was inconsiderate. But let's juz say 80% of the time, i had to tell myself that i have to do it , or even going out with some pple, bcos they kinda wanted my company or they needed mi to be there...or watever reason. Im tired. I couldn't put on a mask that i'm happy in the salsa class...i juz can't. Bcos im aldy being oppressed like that. I couldn't take it. I went to the toilet to cry. HAven't i been crying almost everyday.
Then JOnah repented and went to Niveneh, proclaimed the message to the pple. The whole city, 100 thousand or more pple all repented. God spared their destruction. Jonah was so angry with God for sparing them. Angry with God for HIs mercy. He actually was throwing his temper at God...i mean wow...he sure has lots of guts eh. And God still went after his wayward servant, so patient with him, so patient with the pple of Niveneh.
Jonah's Anger at the Lord 's Compassion
1 But Jonah was greatly displeased and became angry. 2 He prayed to the LORD, "O LORD, is this not what I said when I was still at home? That is why I was so quick to flee to Tarshish. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity. 3 Now, O LORD, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live."
4 But the LORD replied, "Have you any right to be angry?"
5 Jonah went out and sat down at a place east of the city. There he made himself a shelter, sat in its shade and waited to see what would happen to the city. 6 Then the LORD God provided a vine and made it grow up over Jonah to give shade for his head to ease his discomfort, and Jonah was very happy about the vine. 7 But at dawn the next day God provided a worm, which chewed the vine so that it withered. 8 When the sun rose, God provided a scorching east wind, and the sun blazed on Jonah's head so that he grew faint. He wanted to die, and said, "It would be better for me to die than to live."
9 But God said to Jonah, "Do you have a right to be angry about the vine?"
"I do," he said. "I am angry enough to die."
10 But the LORD said, "You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. 11 But Nineveh has more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left, and many cattle as well. Should I not be concerned about that great city?"
This is my favorite part of the story. I think it's so cute somehow. That JOnah was throwing his temper, being so selfish.
I asked myself, have i been so bitter abt the gift that God given me? Im not a saint. Im not god. I also need care and concern. I oso need help from other pple. Ever since i've accepted Christ 10 years back, God has tranformed my character, to have compassion. Last nite, i finally prayed and thank God for transforming me. BCos i know i didn't start out being like this. I know He used what i am, to bring pple to Him...to show others. I thanked HIm, even tho i've been struggling with it, of not being able to handle it. And asked God to help use whatever he has transformed me for his good purpose.
keith picked me up from the class, bcos i had contacted him earlier and we needed to eat din since he was working late. I was very thankful. But i couldn't control my emotions and cried. By the time i went home after din, i was drained from all the drama. I juz wanted to sleep. When i stepped into the hse, i saw my mom talking on the phone. She was once again complaining abt all the old issues...abt how my dad did those mean things to her......... and fear came upon me again. Im afraid she's having depression again. And that means lots of dramas and other emotional issues and support thingie that i'll have to deal with. Juz look at me!! I need help. I can't go help my mom. I really couldn't.
I had to pray, God please juz make everything right. I have no more energy.
Am i so engrossed in my own pain that i forgot there are many pple (like 100 thousand pple in Niveneh)that needs help, and alittle love,..ple like my mom..
IN helping others, God helps me too.
See people the way Jesus sees them. Feel the pple the way Jesus feels for them.
The real poverty in this world is not abt money or status or living conditions. It's how they are not being loved.
Then i shd learn to love, and whoever who wanna exploit mi...that's their business. God will take what i started doing, to b of gd purpose.
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