Wednesday, June 15, 2005 . 2:15 PM
*Depressed*
Well yeah i'm quite depressed. Not over relationship but over work. It's the same old feeling of insecurity,stress and isolation. Prob this lab life doesn't suit mi. But it's a sheltered life.
Most pple do not understand how stressful it is to be able to be so slack at work u know. U donoe the different kind of pain i go thru. It's so aimless. So meaningless. I once said we humans need motivation to keep on moving in life. When u were studying, your motivation is the exams, whther you bothered about exams or not, the truth is we align our lives for exams. Once you graduate, u suddenly lost your 'aim' in your life. If u give mi 3 mths off,ask me to do wat i want, i may find this sort of life too boring. So i say we need to work. To accomplish something. TO know and feel that you are somehow important, to feeel useful, to feel your worth in this society and this world. And look at mi, i've felt UNIMPORTANT for months. Ok the users need mi and all that, no doubt i've touched many users' life, made many friends, i'm always the one they turn to, big or small matters. BUT when they do not need mi, then wat am i here for?? PLus things are not going that well..everything i do does not proceed on smoothly and i'm responsible for their tissue samples. I hate this sort of responsibilities. Its suffocating. It's not that i can't take stress well, it's the feeling that i'm useless makes mi depressed. I need to have some motivation. Neeed to have some aim..like working towards my masters! It's so hard to bum ard. The insecurities u feel...bcos i've not done anything much to impress my boss as there is nothing much to do, it's the insecurities that i may get laid off anytime when i screw up things (it's nothing big tho). That kind of stress!! And then when u bum ard too much but yet so isolated, u have millions of one tots in ur head going on n on n on..one moment i told myself oh yesh that user is coming later i have to prepare this n that...and the very next moment i 4gotten it as new tots flood my brain. And this is how i screwed up. Do you understand? I gez onli pple who are working in an isolated environment understand. Cos i told my friend who used to work night shift in a company's lab..he said he always feel like that too. And then in nus now he's bumming ard too, and he feels the same insecurities. Hai...
Don envy us bummers...we envy you.
Meanwhile, the newborn mice has been dehydrated and now looked like mummified bodies with a horrible stench, and i'm trying to embedd them in wax for sectioning later and keeps screwing up.....headache..........everyday got new prob to solve blah!
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