Monday, February 21, 2005 . 12:21 PM
*A timid heart of mine *
I realised when i'm terribly stressed or upset or angry or disappointed or juz troubled, i would turn to..........writing. I would b so troubled that i won't b able to sit or eat or sleep without any peace. It's like this nagging sinking feeling behind me all the time. And i would pray to God but i can't find the exact words to describe wat i'm going thru or y like that or wat happened and wat to do. I have to write them down..in my journal. Only when i write them down then can i picture wat i wan and wat i wanna pray for and i can see clearly what is truly troubling me...it's as if i write my anger, my depression away on the paper and i feel so much betta and less burdened after that. My journals are full of prayers. It's as if i'm writing to GOd.
So after saying so much u know where i'm heading. My weekends had not been GREAT. And to think im not having another pms b4 my period but yet i was tortured emotionally..hai..it's sickening. Life is really so hard.
I went to bed like at 12+ on friday, super early i tell ya but i was so damn tired aldy. But for 2 nights over the weekends i was tortured with nightmares....of....work!!!!! BLEAH!!!! The whole nite i was dreaming abt my tissue sections and how i donoe wat to do with the stainings of the samples which i screwed up on friday. And i donoe how to solve it or how to explain to the user abt her samples...i was so afraid of failing. I needed to perform really...i can't screw up this assignment. I was dreaming so much that when i woke up i wasn't even sure if all that could juz have been a dream or things i really need to do? Damn stressed. But then i 4got weiping is back on this monday? Then i would have someone to turn to for troubleshooting, i'm no longer alone!! Yay!! So after dreading coming back to work for 2 days, i'm actually so relieved to see weiping back!! It's like argh..having a mother after i was left alone for such a long long time.
Then on saturday my mom suddenly got into her usual but seldom outburst...she wasn't happy and i donoe wat is she so damn unhappy abt but accordin to all her naggings it's all abt my rabbit's fur..and then it proceeded to how stubborn the 2 dogs in the hse are. My dad is the old dog i'm the young dog. Both of us were born in the yr of dog. HA. How nice. On and on insulting things abt me and my rabbit. How i don wan to get rid of the rabbit how i'm so stubborn how WE(i donoe who are the WEs) always gek her how meaningless for her to come back to this home everyday........i was furious man. U ever tried swallowing everything that some pple threw at u, trying to console urself or convince urself that no lar this person is juz venting her anger watever..i was trying so hard to control my temper that my hands were probably shaking from the sheer force of my anger. Then i couldn't conttrol it no longer i argued with her. Shoutings, door slammings. She was obviously dead serious abt throwing my rabbit away one day. Then she threw the rabbit's big box in the living room out of the hse...man i was really so damn furious!!!!! All these things she threw at mi were so unfair...and untrue? Wat can't she understand? I love the rabbit so much!!! it's not a stubborness issue here?! I kidnapped Angel into my room for a long time after that in case she wans to throw him away in her attempt to fight for the alpha female status. I dragged the big box back into the hse while she wasn't looking. I donoe wat she's thinking or is she venting her anger on anything she can find cos she juz wanna pick a fight....seemed like she's ok with Angel the day after -_- hai....mothers.....BUt the pain of going thru it....the aftermath....she happy she throw her temper lar? I can't believe after work i still got to see other pple's faces can..............wat can of life is this.............
Then with all these room revamping thingie...my study table has been decided to b moved into my bro's room while his table would b thrown away after the cny. So last nite me and yicai had to move it for him cos he can't b bothered and yicai accidentally kicked his speaker and it broke from the speaker stand. Best liao lor. Knowing my bro's temper u think he would let mi off? And i donoe why am i so petrified ov everyone? Petrified over my mom ..next comes my brother...and this guy is not even above mi in rank in this pack ok...i'm like so scared like shit. When he came back i said i broke it but yicai came to my rescue and said he broke it. Then u see my bro's face changed from black to normal..and said oh it's ok....i really hope he meant it lor. If not i would get more shit in the future cos past wrongs were not forgiven...get wat i mean? Wat a day and wat a night...i'm kinda relieved he didn't blow up...that he graciously let us off. I hope he meant it once again. Hai....
So i gez im really such a timid little soul....so scared of everyone.. So i'm not as confident as i tot, altho i don think of myself as a very confident person but i gez everything falls apart when tested and it's shown that i'm a timid person. Ha....
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