Thursday, February 03, 2005 . 11:31 AM
*Confessions of a 22 yr old*
I've always tot i'm a pretty strong gal, able to handle all kinds of comments thrown at me by other pple abt myself. I tot so. Except for sometimes taking my mom's opinions and comments too seriously i tot i could b neutral abt other pple's opinions abt me. I got to admit that im not that neutral afterall.
I've beginning to realise a new side of me. A more stubborn, a more paranoid part. Ren(2) yan(2)ke(3) wei(4)...know that chinese idiom? It means gossips can kill u..in brief. U know how one person don like watever (small thing i might add) u may have done and she/he (usually a she anyway) goes complaining to another and somehow she exaggerates it that the matter became more and more critical that in the end everyone ends up bitching abt you behind ur back like u had juz been raped or murdered ur own mom.
I've got to b honest. I'm still working with a student's attitude. Not an adult working. MY heck-care attitude, my slack ways have finally gotten way out of hand and gotten the best of me. NOt to mention i screwed some things these 2 days, whether i really 4gotten to do my work or unintentionally i happened to not b ard to do my work....i screwed up.
So screwed up pretty bad that my colleague had to 'brief' me as wat i shd try to improve in the future. I would still say it was a friendly 'briefing'. And i hope they don bitch ard my mistakes behind. BUt it's their mouths, they can say watever they wan. I juz don like it. But then i can't expect everyone to b like mi, i seldom gossips or bitch abt another person. I got myself to blame anyway. I was like in such a daze everyday. I didn't know wat am i really responsible for. Late, blur,forgetful. No employers wan pple like me. I think i betta buck up soon. And...one more thing...I can't believe i'm THAT forgetful. Muz b all these msn chattings that's making mi all blur.Argh. Ban msn!!!!
I feel very useless. I'm so afraid to find out that hey actually im juz a useless bum who onli knows how to do last min studying. I'm so afraid to know the 'truth' if it is the truth i donoe wat i will do ... I know im smarter than these...but y am i always so blur..so screwed ..walking ard like a wandering spirit? Y can't i portray more confidence in myself?? And yicai is nagging me everyday to wake up earlier so that i won't b late for work again. HAi..gez i really disappointed him. I feel damn useless. Yes i do. I can't even do things rite. I disappoint myself and pple ard me. The worse thing is everyone thinks im having such a great life. NO im not. Everyday i feel more useless than the day b4. Hai..i won't elaborate or go into self pity.
Gez my EQ aint that gd. Now that's gd this happened. I'm shocked to my senses i can finally wake up from my day-dreamings and buck up. Mayb i've always been wanting to know how far can i go being like that..how far can i push this thing...or i've been waiting for pple to scold mi n wake mi up. Now great i've tested the waters and now i knew. Wish fulfilled. Can buck up now. OMG y am i even like that.........
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