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Thursday, April 24, 2008 . 12:08 AM

Dear All,

I've decided to move to another blogspace.

thesufficientgrace.wordpress.com
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Wednesday, April 23, 2008 . 2:53 PM

1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.

5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.

6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

8 Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.

9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields [b] with fire.

10 "Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."

11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Psalm 46

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Saturday, April 19, 2008 . 2:02 PM

How am i supposed to feel when my mom, in all her openness tell my dad to please get his arse back to Kuching?

For good?

She told me he would only be there for a few months for a try out, to see if this plans work out.

In short, she plans to get rid of my dad for good.

Once he boards the plane and go back to Kuching, there would be it. I don't see any other chances of him coming back anymore.

How am i, as a daughter meant to feel, when i witness my dad 's downcast expression and his lonely silhouette in the living room.

To my mom, it would b good riddance. It would meant a new start for her life.

To my dad, he's just going back to wait for the inevitable D.

What can i daughter say now?

For the benefit of my mom and her illness, should i support her decision?

Which children would bear to dump their ill fathers in some faraway land? Self-centered ones maybe.

But i'm not ready to do that. I'm not freaking one to do that.

I'm all prepared to take care of my dad as long as he lives.

No i don't wan to agree and i don't have to support this stupid decision.

They are just plain selfish.

Why do i have to agree to whatever my aunts have to say? WHY?!

Why are things always so out of my control! He's my dad for goodness sake!

When i questioned my mom why it has to be like this, she questioned me back,' Do you have the ability and means to take care of your dad?'

Do i? Can i?

I can't. But it doesn't mean i have to dump him away to the hands of my aunts'. How can i trust them after all that they had failed to do what they promised they would in the past.

Why does a daughter have to be separated from her dad? I aldy grew up with a lack of fatherly love and presence in my life. Why cant i not have a little bit of it now?

How am i going to see my dad in the future?

How much time does he has left in this world?

How much..............

I just spoke to him. He said he's going back to kuching..for good. He doesn't wan to come back anymore. I'm sure it's not his own decision, he is making this decision only becos there are no other solutions....

I can't even have the means and ability to keep my dad here with me...........

I hate all of them. Everyone who has to play a freaking part in this.

Why does it have to be like this.... i don't want it to be like this.

I don't wan to lose my dad.
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Friday, April 18, 2008 . 1:06 AM

Working in a corporate worlds really not easy..i've been blessed tt I don't see and experience many ugly things of the competitive corporate world.
Nonetheless i'm not spared from being anxious,stressed and paranoid. Now I feel like my new pay raise is really hard earned money. More pay u get, the more stress u hv to endure.
There r time when I wished to be left alone n out of politics.learning to be assertive even if its to ur boss....
Today I felt like my heart had sank to the deepest ocean ..so burdened by my paranoid...that my heart could have died.
l'm led to believe tt l really shouldn't take leaves..bcos lt doesn't seem to go well w my sup. Y am l so scared of what he thinks of me?
Bcos he is watching my performance ...waiting to see if l'm ready for CRA. I'm worklng so hard to be one and l really don't want lose it all when l'm so close.
Maybe l give myself too much pressure ...
I'm also thinking tt the sup tt had so much respect for is quite 2 faced.
Tt upsets me a lot.
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Tuesday, April 08, 2008 . 1:04 AM

A girlpal of mine is getting married in May. She's my age. We kinda have a long entwined history. She is a really sweet girl, whom i wish to be a closer friend to her but never got to chance to, even though she just stays in the next blk.

I'm really happy for her. She had her history of ups and downs with her ex bfs, one of them whom i knew cos he was from my JC. I'm really glad that she was smart enuff to get out of bad pits and eventually she got together with her cell group leader. Things had been going well for her.

I had 2nd thoughts about telling my mom about her wedding.

But tonight, i told her.

In the past, i always thought that my mom doesn't want me to ever get married. Her response to my dating were not so....encouraging. But somehow that kinda changed within this past year. I can't describe how unnerving and scary that change is to me. NOw it seems as if she can't wait for her daughter's turn to be married off. After all, she's OLD ENUFF TO BE MARRIED. And her bf is OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE MONEY TO GET MARRIED.

So after i told her about the friend's wedding ( she knows my friend and her mom), she was like saying...that's good...if the guy is stable and good..it's about time...family background not bad..both families able to help with the wedding financially etc... and then she added,' i don't even know if Albert and you will be able to marry in 2 years' time.'

Let me decipher my mom's wise words if you haven't catch her morbid sarcastic humor. She meant to say 1) Albert has no money 2) Since he has no money, we need a longer longer much longer time to get married 3) AND WE ARE GETTING OLD

My mom has no issues with Albert's personality and character. She has an issue with his lack of money.

I seriously don't understand the logic. And i really hate the idea of being pushed to get married as if I SHOULD BE GETTING MARRIED NOW.

I'm ONLY 26! In actual fact, when i happened to be chatting with my friend tonight (the one who is getting married in May), when i looked at her, i can't believe she's getting married! I mean we are of the same age, i dare say we have the same maturity level, and i saw a girl in her that is reflected in me as well. But she's getting married! Wow...i mean, what a heavy load of responsibility and a huge step of faith and growth in one's live to make a decision to get married.

When i see myself, i see a child. I don't see myself as an adult ready to be more adultish.

I don't see myself having my own house, paying my own PUB bills, making my own dinner and my husband's, washing our clothes, making decisions about which flats to buy, which furnitures, which brand of washing powder, and worse, i don't see myself ever stop playing.

It's not that i don't wan to get married. I want to. I've never been so sure about marriage. But the time is not right. I'm not ready. I'm not prepared. I've not had enough fun! I've not seen enough of what i should be seeing in this world. I'm just a bloody kid!

Even if my bf is a well-doing professional who could probably get married easily ( bcos he has teh money) and probably his family is really good and stable and i've been with him for a year or so, would i be getting married soon?

I don't think so. Do we get married becos we are old enough to do so?

I like to get married when i'm 28 or older. That's my choice. Why can't i be proud of my choice?
Is marriage something to be forced into, even when you are not ready? I miss my family. I don't want to stay away from my parents. But if u ask me if i wanna stay with them after marriage, the answer is no. So the only way is to stick to them as long as i can before i'm ready to be married off.

I don't see anything wrong with having an opinion about being married later. It's my marriage. And i'm happy with my choices. I'm not making such choice only because i don't have the means to get married now. I'm contented and happy being happily attached. Why shorten the time of boy-girl relationship? Once you proceed on to another stage, it will never come back.

It's perfectly my choice and decision. And i'm happy.
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Tuesday, April 01, 2008 . 12:03 AM

Been so sick over the weekends.

Actually had been sick since last Sunday. I spent 50 bucks to see a 24 hr doctor on last Sunday because i was so afraid that it will worsen so much that i can't work. The next day was an important day. It was my 1st site initiation visit with my senior. I wouldn't miss that for a million dollars. IF i missed that, i don't know when is the next opportunity, esp when my sup makes it so clear that i should only go for visits that are relevant to my projects. And then the fuss about having to fight for what i want.

So i tahaned the whole week, as i had pressing things to handle till Friday, when i could clear my leave for last yr's. Then i tot i could have a well deserved rest. I thought my illness is near recovering. At least my throat doesn't hurt anymore. And i don't seem to have much of a flu except for blocked nose.

Mayb it was staying up late on Friday night. I haven't met my dear friends Deying and Mei for like a month plus. Goodness...what happened to our social life......i don't have much anymore. Since i haven't met them for so long, of cos lots of catching up to do. The next day my throat started to hurt. This time it erupted to this point that i would be coughing every 1 minute or so, cos the throat was so irritable. But the symptoms came out too late, it was sat evening. But night time, while i was struggling to finish the bible study preparation for the next day ( and that was really tough, bcos it's about 1 Samuel, and old testament books are always hard to lead..), i figured that i'm really too sick to handle all these. I doubt i'll be ok enough to go church even the next day.

Plus i had to take care of my dad's meals. Which means i can't go for service and i even had to wake up at 8+am to make his breakfast for him.

But i was too sick actually. I didn't wake up and make breakfast. My brother did. And i didn't buy lunch for us bcos i was simply too sick to even walk out. My flu got worse. Now i've lost my voice even.The whole Sunday was spent either in bed or on the sofa, cos i was too groggy to do anything. I did watch a few dvds and read most of 1 Samuel and other books.

Contrary to what some of my friends think, i DO read books. I just don't finish them. That's two different things right? I read a number of books over a LOOOOOOONG period of time.

I don't know why i just don't want to finish a book before i move on to the other books. I'm just fickle-minded. I like to read whatever i feel like reading. That means if i feel like reading the book about love relationship, i picked it up and continue reading it from where i left it the previous time. If i feel like reading about human psychology, i pick up my favorite' The road less traveled' and start reading from where i had left it.

And of cos there are a few other books pertaining to Christianity, like my Purpose-driven life, which took me 4 years and counting and still not done. 40 days of Community, Experiencing the Father's embrace...and I kissed alot of frongs but the prince hasn't come....(yes it's a christian book)

I DO read. Just that the books i seemed to be reading nowadays are these kind of books. What do you call them? Self help? Spiritual? I think i rather call them quite my quiet-time-kind of books.

Why do i take so long to read them? Bcos they are not books that you can just read and glance through. You need time to read and digest the ideas the books are telling you, right? I'm constantly improving and attaining knowledge.

As for the fictional books, why don't i ever finish them? That's purely cos my attention is torn between many books haha...and they happened to not be so exciting hence i don't finish. But I DO finish some books, they were exciting. But that's a terribly long time ago. They are usually borrowed books from the library.

I so aint looking forward to the amount of work and troubleshooting that is waiting for me in the office tomorrow. I'm tired. I think i need a break.

Sighz.


Dear Lord,
Please be in control of everything. I trust that you will. And tomorrow will be a good day.
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Friday, March 28, 2008 . 2:30 PM

22 Cast your cares on the LORD
and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous fall.
Psalm 55:22

You wouldn't imagine Deying sharing this verse with me last night. And i was truly impressed friend. Not because i doubt you, i only had lots of questions regarding why you choose to remember that verse. And then i found out the reason,but i don't think i need to repeat here.I thought it was written on some walls of your school, like how in my bro's school, one verse i'll always remember was,' ..The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge..', but oh well........

The verse strangely spoke to me yesterday. I personally found quite touched upon hearing the verse. I made her repeat the verse to me. Before i went to bed, i thought about the verse again while i was about to give thanks to God for all He had provided and done for me.

And i think it's so true. God is faithful and unfailing. You can cast all your cares upon Him. He will not let you fall.

I'm just another shortsighted human. 1 plus year back or longer, i was still sitting in my little cosy lab, enjoying my little cosy sheltered life, not knowing where i should go and what i should do. And then when i finally had a successful interview with my current workplace, even after verbal agreement that i was offered a position, the position turned out to be a disappointment for at least 7 months. I had to basically start all over, struggling with the question of why God it happens, there's got to be a bigger reason, a better purpose, a better offer bcos you always give the best to your children isn't it. Eventually, 8 months down the road, i was offered a position in the same company again, not without some effort on my part.

When i first started working , it was a huge change for me. A huge step. Almost everything was new to me, afterall i was stuck in a lab for 3 years. It was a struggle and my own paranoia almost killing me.

I remembered night after night i prayed to God, that He may bless me that i may find favour in my Sup and colleagues' eyes.

Indeed i've been really blessed. I'm not boasting. I'm just frankly sharing my experience. I learnt alot these few months and it will be continuous learning journey for mi for the next two years probably. I think i really made a right choice to come to this company.

This didn't come easy for me. I treasure it. I had the right learning attitude when i work. God always places wonderful colleagues around me. And my collaegues had gone out of their ways, selfishlessly helping me, just so that they can help me to achieve my goals of becoming a CRA. They are unselfish, helpful and so willing to teach, even willing to help me review what i'm doing and suggest how i could learn more. My british colleague, i'm so ever thankful to her. Becos she gave me so much learning opportunities, and when i expressed how thankful i am to her, she told me that i deserved to be helped because she had been through what i've been through and it wasn't easy. The most encouraging thing was she said that i'm really capable, and understands what i'm doing unlike the others, hence she would rather ask me to support her in certain issues that for m position i shouldn't have a chance to touch on than ask the others( of the same level as me). She was the one who taught me that i could fight for what i want..what my sup suggests or think best for me may not be the best and i should discern and let my opinions and desires be known. She was the one who fought for my right to follow her to site to learn, while my sup didn't want me to go. She was also the one who highly recommended me infront of my sup.

I didn't see the big picture, but now i do. If i had came into the workplace 8 months earlier, my current Sup would not have been my sup. It would be this other bigger boss, who had just quit his position. At first, i'm not so sure if my sup would be the kind that i could rely on. The more i interact with him, the more i respect him. He's really a people person. Altho he's always preaching about his muslim faith, i respect him. He's one of the few muslims i know who is so faithful to his god and faith and values. He is one that we can call him upright person. I somehow can trust that if anything goes wrong, he's the one we can go to.

During my stressful probation review and goal settings, he had continuously praised me for what i've done, being motivated and able to deal with challenges and overcoming them. It's the very 1st time that i met a boss who is so generous with his praises to his subordinates. I think it's a very unasian thing to praise anyone.

Anywhere i go, everywhere i turn to, i see friends' bosses having low EQ, low professionalism, and the usual asian thing of being stingy with praises but so ever generous with criticisms.

So i conclude that it's an non-asian thing for my sup to be like that. After all he was raised up in Britain. I look up to him. I do. And how many pple can say that they look up to their bosses? Not many i gez.

I look up to him for his professionalism. He was the one who taught mi that i could actually fight for what i believe in, regardless of what he thinks is best for me. British lady taught me i should fight. My sup taught me and gave me the permission that i could do it. And i think he's really funny. Becos he gave mi the permission to take things in control. In fact he WANTS me to learn to take things in control, take leadership, take initiative, and be more aggressive. Everytime i accomplish something and he learnt of it, he would tell me encouraging things like, 'well done. That was good. Continue to follow up etc'

Yesterday, he called me into the room for a talk. I thought he was going to scold mi for being late all the time. But instead he told me i'm getting a pro rated performance bonus. That was v little money actually, but the truth is i wasn't supposed to get any since i worked for so little months. But he pushed for it to happen. And i'm thankful. I'm most thankful for the fact that he actually recommended me to be rewarded for my performance so far, a pay increment. The company approved it. I'm getting a 17% increment for my pay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could almost hug him. I told him i love him!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A few months back till now i've been struggling with financial issues. But yes. God has provided. Unexpectedly. A figure that i used to dream of. ANd i cannot believe that i'm getting it!!!!!!!!

ANd for him to recommend me!! For him to push this for me!!! HOw many bosses care about the welfare of their subordinates these days ?!!!

I'm so thankful. SO joyful!!! If i had'nt enter the office 8 months later, i would not be able to enjoy this benefit i'm serious. The previous boss did not give any of the staffs who entered then this kind of benefits. And it's not becos i got confirmed that's y i had a raise, because it was stated to me clearly before i came in, that after probation there would not be a raise.

So everything fits in!!! And it feels like being top of the world to know that your hard work and efforts has been noticed and appreciated and rewarded in a very practical way. hahah...

I'm really so happy. But when i'm so happy and i thought about sharing with my friends, i know that even tho they may be sincerely happy for mi from the bottom of their hearts, i know that there may be a tinge of envy and comparison. I don't wan to make anyone unhappy or miserable.
Please just share my joy.

It's been a long journey. Whether i deserve the money or not is not the question. But God has richly provided me...that's the focus. Not just me, but Albert. A few months ago, he had nothing. Now he earns as much as i will. Jehova Jireh.
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Monday, March 24, 2008 . 9:27 PM

I know i've disappeared for like a month. Not very faithful to my blog nowadays. Kinda have too many things going on in my life that i don't find the time nor need to blog.

This whole month, i feel an immense joy in my life. My life is not a bed of roses of cos, but the amazing thing is, i still feel the joy no matter how bad things are.

I think i'm beginning to understand what God meant by being joyful in him no matter what. I think i understand why some men in the bible can b so joyful, rejoicing even when faced with life most difficult situations.

I feel contented and very satisfied with my life. That's cos i'm relying on God's strength and wisdom to go through my days.

March is a sterssful month for me. It was the period of time that i began to realise what i have to do and achieve in order for my sup to allow mi to become a CRA. And for the very 1st time in my life since donkey years, that i actually start working hard for what i want. In the past, i'm alawys pretty much laid back. I believe that if it's meant to be, God will give it to me. There's no point working too hard for something that isn't worth it. But of cos God says you reap what you sow as well. But anyway, that was my attitude. Nothing is worth working for except my family and anything that contributes to treasures in heaven isn't it? But for the 1st time, i started working hard! I started becoming proactive, more vocal, firm. And i am very contented and satisfied with what i'm doing to the point that i don't mind staying late for work.

I can see myself changing, just in 6 months. This job had challenged me in many ways. My colleagues had been wonderful and helpful. And i'm very thankful really. I count my blessings. I thank God that i am able to find favor with my sup and colleagues, that they are so willing to help and teach me. And i also thank God that the environment is so geared towards western way of doing things, that it really make things so much easier and encourages growth.

With that, i'm thankful. And with that, i'm deeply grateful towards what God had done. Now, i have to continue working hard to prove my worth.

With that, i'm beginning to not feel so satisfied with dance. That's cos i haven't been dancing for 2 weeks. And that seemed like a really long time. Till i've lost touched. I feel distanced from it.
I feel like work has took over my life too much. And the thing is...i'm not complaining about it! I don't mind having no life!

I've been enjoying myself actually. Now that Albert works nearby and been working late, we meet up for late dinners quite often. And i'm contented. This is much better than just spending one day to go patuo. Over the weekends, we always ended up cleaning or painting his new room. It's pure hard work but at least we are doing them together.

And church. It has been wonderful. Our group has grown so close to each other that i actually miss and think of them sometimes. These two weeks, we had met up so often. 1st met up at Sarah's home to dye the Easter eggs. The next day, we went to distribute the eggs together to the residents of the blk near our church. It's a really nice experience to be able to get involved with things together as a group. It does pull us together and we build each other up. It's amazing how a group with a common goal can build each other up. We all seek to just spread love to the residents and also to each other in the grp. I've seen pple stood out and take on roles and offered their services. Everyone just played a part. And somehow it all worked!

Then we met up for Good Friday service. And were supposed to go Pulau Ubin after that. But then it started raining, so we went to Brian's office, as his place is catered for the kids around the neighbourhood, the office had lots of games. So there we spent our good friday with each other the whole noon. Sunday's Easter service was terribly early at 8am. To my surprise, almost the whole group turned up. After that we went to have breakfast at the market near Holland Village.

Well....really contented. Really joyful.
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Tuesday, February 19, 2008 . 9:14 PM

Everyone has periods. But why do i have it worse? Why is my life so crippled by PMS and painful unbearable menstrual cramps.

Since my last month, i've stopped taking primrose to see the lack of primrose in my life. Apparently, the lack of it resulted in more PMS symptoms, prolonged PMS and days and days of cramps even before menstruation started.

Even tho primrose doesnt take away all the cramps but at least my PMS wasn't that long and painful. I'm beginning to think that once i'm on primrose i shouldn't be off it, or the withdrawal from it will result in super unbearable experience.

Boy i feel like i just wasted 1.5 weeks of my life being in pain, crippled by the inconveniences that was brought about by having a soft, wobbly legs, aka weakness in both legs. And slight uncomfortable cramps around abdominal 3 days before menstrual. One day before menstruation, i even had slight swelling of my feet -_-. My feet were cold for 1.5 weeks. And sore from swelling somemore. It sucked. And i don't even know anyone else who gets it as badly as i do!!

That was only the physical part. What about emotional? The more the period was delayed, the more frustrated i felt. Like macham i've all the pent up emotion. It's tough being a woman. And it's tougher when the freaking period refuses to come. My prolonged misery with PMS. And bad temper. But this month, something new....i started getting emotional. I wasn't depressed, but i could cry as easily as watching a touching scene on the tv. Stories like mother and child love or father and child love easily makes me cry a bucket. And then i couldn't stop crying.......to the point i asked myself...why the hell am i crying over nothing?!

Women whose symptoms of PMS are mild usually see the disappearance of their symptoms on Day 1, while women with more severe symptoms may have PMS or PMDD symptoms that last into Days 3 or 4 of their next menstrual cycle.

Note: True symptoms of PMS do not begin until after Day 13, any symptoms you experience earlier in your cycle may have another cause. However, you should still include any symptoms you experience on Days 1 to 13 on your menstrual cycle calendar.

PMS Diagnostic Criteria

The most commonly used and accepted diagnostic criteria for PMS is one developed by the University of California, San Diego. To meet these diagnostic criteria for PMS, a woman must self-report at least one physical symptom and one mental symptom during the five days preceding menstruation. These symptoms are:

The Physical Symptoms Of PMS

Mental Symptoms of PMS

The next requirement for a diagnosis of PMS is that these symptoms must disappear by Day 4 and not recur until Day 14.

Finally, these symptoms must be present in the absence of any pharmacological treatments, hormone ingestion, or drug or alcohol use.

Social or economic performance must also be identifiably dysfunctional by one of the following for true diagnosis of PMS.

Diagnostic Criteria for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder or PMDD

PMDD is a severe form of PMS that includes severe symptoms of depression, anxiety, and irritability before menstruation begins. These symptoms must occur during the last week before menstruation starts. Approximately three to eight percent of menstruating women experience PMDD. According to the DSM-IV, the accepted diagnostic criteria for PMDD must include at least five of the following symptoms:

The previous symptoms must occur in addition to the required physical and mental symptoms required for PMS diagnosis for diagnosis of PMDS to occur.



So for me....

Physically : abdominal bloating yes... swelling of extremities...yes!! headaches were experienced but was bearable.

mentally: Fatigue (especially with the of climbing trees last week) but yeah fatigue, irritability (do i need to say more?), mood swings ( even without PMS i get mood swings like as fast as flipping a page of a book, but i think that's quite an achievement rather than crippling..the difference when it's PMS is that the mood swings bother me to hell. i hate myself. )

Socially: decreased social activity ( i stopped dancing for a week plus now... and becos of my discomfort i didn't really want to meet anyone..), relationship problems ( of cos it affected me and mr Albert), being late for work ( but i'm late everyday.............), seeking help for physical condition ( yes i took like dozens of panadol menstrual...kidding..i took like 4 pills, which is like major alot for someone who is anti-paracetamol)

PMDD :

So for pple who are interested in relieving their PMS :

  1. Research has proven that you can reduce up to almost half of all symptoms (including mood swings, depression, and menstrual cramps) of PMS by simply consuming 1200 mg of calcium daily.

    Calcium is an important nutrient for women of all ages for the prevention of osteoporosis in later life.

  2. One of the best ways to reduce PMS is through regular exercise. Not only does exercise reduce, or sometimes eliminate premenstrual syndrome, it also is an excellent way to reduce stress and lower your risk of diseases including heart disease and cancer.

  3. Women who experience premenstrual breast tenderness can reduce or eliminate this symptom by taking 600 IU of Vitamin E daily. Vitamin E also appears to have a protective effect on the cardiovascular system, may reduce the risk of some types of cancer, and offer other health benefits, according to the Mayo Clinic.

  4. Dietary changes that may help reduce the symptoms of PMS include following a low-fat vegetarian diet, and/ or reducing your intake of refined sugar, salt, red meat, alcohol, and caffeine. Increasing your consumption of complex carbohydrates, leafy green vegetables, fruit, cereals and whole grains is also helpful for many women.

  5. Women who crave sugar during the days they experience premenstrual symptoms often find relief by supplementing their diet with 300 to 500 mg of magnesium. Magnesium also may help reduce breast tenderness.

  6. Some women experience a decrease in symptoms by taking 50 to 300 mg of Vitamin B6 daily. Care should be taken not to overdose on Vitamin B6 as side effects such as numbness can occur when too much of this nutrient is consumed.

  7. Alternative treatments that may be helpful include taking about 1500 mg of Primrose oil daily, or using natural progesterone cream (amount varies by product).

  8. Some women are able to control the symptoms of PMS by using oral contraceptives; however it's important to weigh the pros and cons of hormonal treatment since the side effects are sometimes more bothersome than the original symptoms.

  9. Over-the-counter treatments that may help include ibuprofen, naproxen, and other drugs specifically made for relieving premenstrual symptoms such as Midol. Aspirin may not be a good choice for women during menstruation because of its potential to increase the length and severity of menstrual bleeding
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Monday, February 18, 2008 . 10:44 PM

Let me share a part of my life with you guys.

Yesterday, which was a Sunday. I had my usual sunday of Church service and bible study. But since 3rd Feb, our whole church has embarked on these 40 days of community by Rick Warren. Yeah the guy who wrote Purpose Driven Life. 40 days. Just nice and in time for Lent.

So for something that's more out of the usual, we committed ourselves, our group to serving a block near our church, to bless the residents. Let them know that Jesus could walk out of a church building and into their lives. So yesterday, after our whole day of church, we packed some oranges that we bought ourselves into small little red auspicious bags to distribute to the residents. We had no car, no trolleys, we just carried everything by hand and walked to the block.

To tell the truth, the day didn't start off well for me. I've been suffering under the pains of pms, as in my legs had been wobbly and i couldn't stand for 5 mins without sitting down. It's been going on for like a week. If you ask me if i felt like going up and down a 10 storey building talking to residents, i can tell you...i rather want to sit down lar. And my group, we have a total of 10 pple. But gez what? For all kinds of reasons, only 6 of us turned up. One chinese PRC signed up to join our gathering so we included him in the activity. And then another cell grp member turned up. Hence we have 8. BEfore that, it kinda looked pathetic. We could easily have said let's just postponed it to next week when more pple are around or i could have gone home bcos i was really not feeling very well.

The spirit is feeling but the flesh is indeed very weak. Or the spiritual warfare is high. God intends something good to be done, the devil would make sure it is not easily done.

As i was pondering over how things look pathetic and how in pain i was, i was convicted that we MUST do it today. There may be someone waiting for us there, amongst the units. How do we know? Only God knows. If God intends to reach out to someone, just someone, He wouldn't mind sending 8 of us there just to help. WE didnt' go to preach. We go to spread the love of Christ. We went just wanting to bless. You think it's that easy under that hot weather? It's not. But we went in all sincerity just to bless and help if anyone needs any help. One old uncle pointed out that he needs pple to help him move the things in his house. So we said we would arrange a time again and help him do it.

So i prayed that GOd please at least take the discomfort, swelling and weakness in the legs for that period of time at least. Make it easier for me. And haha..HE did actually. Altho not completely, but at least i didn't feel like dying.

So i learnt alot. Actually it's more like i re committed my faith back to God. Trust that He will help and show me the way, no matter how i feel or how weak i am.

Even on Friday, it was a terribly long long day for me. It was a team building day for my company. And i mentioned i was not well right. But yet i couldn't take MC bcos i wasn't actually having my period and all but i was really unwell to the point that i felt my life is crippled. But we had games from 10.30am to 12.30pm and i didn't get to sit down at any point. It was constantly like hyped up gameplays and team spirits with all the team shouting their cheers. By lunch i was so drained by all those things. If i wasn't unwell i think i would have enjoyed the day more.

After lunch, we went to Bedok reservior for 'Forest Adventure'. It involves lots of climbing, heights, jumping. Basically lots of strength. I prayed sooooo hard the night before that God please don't let my period come tomorrow. If not it will complicate things so much. Lets just say it's really annoying to be doing physical excercises when your period is here. And it's excruciating when ur period gives you cramps. The last thing u want to do is to be climbing and running around. So my period didn't come. God answered my prayers. And i didn't think i would survive the whole damn thing but i did. I think i wouldn't survive only bcos of my wobbly legs. If not the thing is not that difficult, it was tiring but it wasn't that difficult. That one week, i really felt like i tired out so easily. Wobbly legs oso can make you tired...it's ...amazing..

Really, i have God to thank to bringing me through the course. I took panadol menstrual before i went climbing the stuffs. Cos i really could take it anymore. For that 3 hrs, strength was temporarily restored to my legs. Could be the drug..or it could be God's intervention. But anyway, i'm glad i didn't die. Then a long trip home.

I'll post the photos up when i get the chance. Getting lazy. SO many photos, but i just don't post them up.
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Thursday, February 14, 2008 . 1:19 PM

Thanks my dear. I still have the card for last yr's flowers in my wallet.
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Tuesday, February 12, 2008 . 11:49 PM

Well after the woo ha on Saturday, i spent the whole day crying till my eyes were all swollen. And since i was up since 7.30am, i went to nap at 4pm. Had lots of haunting dreams about my family's future.

After that, went to Holland V with Deying and another friend for a nice Indian dinner. Craving for lots of indian food these days. SO in love with them. Never used to like Indian food, in fact i never touched Indian food except for prata. In the past, i also didn't enjoy eating. Eating was in fact a troublesome thing in my opinion. I eat to survive, not for enjoyable. But it's a different story now. I eat to enjoy. I feel really happy if i get good food, and that night's Indian food and the restaurant's great service made my day, considering how bad my day was. Could help nodding and smiling in delight while munching on the food.

Then had a little drinking session at Breko.

Sunday was packed with house visitings of two of my cell grp member's homes. Church service was at 8am. To my surprise, i actually could wake up for it. I prayed hard the night before for my parents. And to my tired soul, i really wanted to go to church. So i could spend some good time with God. But then i figured if i just leave the house like that early and then my mom won't get to see mi till she gets back from work at night, i think she might be more depressed. So i didn't go church, i woke up and chatted with her instead. She asked me about the psychologist's appointment number. The one that she previously went. That's surprise no 2.

She's actually willing to carry on with her medication again. We discussed, and i suggested going to our family GP, who could prescribe the same drugs probably and at a much much cheaper price. The previous doctor cost more than 100 dollars at one visit.

She went to see the doctor on Mon. I could tell she's feeling better.

Somehow, she changed her mind about the medication. She was insistent about not continuing the medication ever in her life for some months. I'm glad... she changed her mind.

And i thank God for that.

My dad's leg had been hurting for months as well. I began to worry that his condition is going to deteriorate from there... Today he went to the polyclinic (bro brought him) for his appointment, scheduled every 3 months. Before i left for work, i've like nagged at him like a thousand times to please ask the doctor wat is the root of the problem and what we can do. Should he exercise more etc..

Just now he told me the doctor told us to help him lift up his right leg and stretch to exercise the muscles like twice a day. Once in the morning and once at night, then he appointed me to do so in the morning since i have to mop and clean the rabbit's cage at night (daily).

And yes, i do mop the area inside and outside the rabbit's cage now...everyday... without fail.

I'm such a disciplined person.
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Saturday, February 09, 2008 . 10:04 AM

When Chinese New Year is a time of reunion and joyous occasion for Chinese families to get together, i can only remember that i seldom felt that we were happy.

Many bad things had happened in the past and unfortunately they occurred right before CNY. Even tho i'm a person who doesn't like to look back to the past, i can't help recalling.

Before my dad had stroke, every CNY, every CNY eve or the 1st day, my whole family would DEFINITELY quarrel. Quarrel over every single small little things. My bro and i hated CNY. Even before any arguement, we already presume there would be one. Everyone would be highly strung up, angry emotions soon followed.

And then my dad had his stroke in around Dec 03. My mom flew to China to take care of him. The next year's CNY, we had to spend it without our parents. I don't know if anyone understands how that feel. I never felt happy about CNY, but that beats better than not having any family members around right. We only had my cousin's family, who provided the warmth of a family temporarily, but it also brought out the stark contrast between what would happen to my family from theirs. It brought out the loneliness and pining for my parents even more.

My mom on the other hand spent the CNY struggling to take care of my dad and fighting the terrible winter cold. She had employed 2 male nurses to help her. In China, they don't assigned caretakers or nurses to you, you have to employ them. She was practically at their mercies, as the guys was always demanding to be paid. And even tho they had agreed to stay back and help take care of my dad during CNY, they went back on their words and went back to their hometown, leaving my mom all alone in the winter to take care of my dad whom she had to constantly carry and support...my dad couldn't get up from his bed back then. So my mom had a horrible memory abt the sufferings she endured for my dad.

This year, as usual, not much visitings. Only Hsiaolin's family came over. I was terribly bored.
But at the same time, i was terribly worried about my mom. Her facial expression was looking more n more strained by each passing day. I knew the inevitably has come again.

When i go back to work on MOnday, my colleagues are gonna ask abt my CNY. And what am i going to tell them? That it was bad? That i did nothing and there was nothing interested except for the thing about how i tot my mom committed suicide?

There are a few things in life that really terrifies me. One is how i really dread receiving phonecall in the middle of the night or early in the morning. And if the person on the line is a relative from Kuching.......... i hold my breath and wonder, who is it this time? With my maternal grandma passing away last year, who else could that be? My maternal grandma's passing away triggered my mom's depression and it hasn't been the same since then...... so i had a few scares recently when relatives called unexpectedly..

2nd, realities can sometimes be really harsh and unforgiving. The reality is that my mom used to talk about jumping off the building to end her troubles in this world. And it is so real..why? Bcos my bro and i took measures to lock up the windows etc as much as we can do to prevent her from doing silly things. Sometimes, i think about what i would do if she really jumped.

This morning, she suddenly woke me up and told mi to go for a walk with her bcos she cannot stop thinking abt things. I got up and got changed and washed up, checked the clock and it's only 7.30am. Very worried abt my mom and frankly speaking i'm also tired, i donoe wat other problems are there this time and every time this happens, nothing gets solved but we all get upset. So i brought along a packet of tissue in case we cry while taking a stroll. And then i couldn't find my mom in the house anymore. I went to my door and saw that it was unlocked, the outside gate was opened, not even closed properly.

Do you know my 1st instinct was to get out of the house, without shoes, went to the two balconies of my corridor and looked downwards. TO SEE IF MY MOM JUMPED OR WAT!!!!
But of cos i couldn't see any traces of that. I went back to the house, to make sure she really wasn't in the house anymore, checked all the windows. ANy idea how i panicked? Any idea how much i prayed that God please don't let that happen. Please don't. And i played the scenario about finding her body, about how i'm going to cope in the future again and again and again, so many times i've played it in my head.

I took the lift down and saw her sitting at the excercise corner. I persuaded her to take a walk, go to the church behind. At least she could pray and feel better. WE took a LONG walk in silence. And when we passed the church, she refused to go in. Then we went home, and she starting telling mi things.

I'm very upset. Yes i am. But haven't i been upset before? Yes i have. So nothing new here.

She talked about leaving. She asked how am i going to cope when she's not around. ANd after her suicide scare, i asked wat she meant. No answers. And i told her please don't commit suicide.

She said she wanna go elsewhere n stay. She really cannot stay and look at my dad everyday in the same house. BUt she's too soft hearted to leave us like this. She's sorry that she has to put the burdens on us. She's juz trapped, and driven by guilt and misery.

During these 2 days of cny, my dad and her had been silently avoiding each other in the house. That's how bad it is.

She talked about the possibility of sending my back to Kuching, as suggested by my DEAR relatives in Kuching. And haven't we already tasted their very 'nice' treatment a few yrs ago when they persuaded my parents to go back to Kuching? That was one hell of a GREAT experience. How dare they suggest bringing my dad back again.

Why do pple delight so much in breaking this family up? I don't get it. Why does this family have to break up. Why does my mom have to leave when there's a home here for her. Why does my dad needs to go to a nursing home?

There are plans of putting him in a nursing home in Kuching. ..... KUCHING!!! Their wonderful suggestion again.

I hate the idea of it. MY heart hurts so much....so much... who would wan to put their parents in a freaking nursing home?! Tell me...who?!

ANd kuching? Why doesn't anyone get the idea that noone would want their family members to be seperated like this? Why don't anyone get it?

Why ??? If they are so helpful, why can't my dad b in a singapore's nursing home and they can help with the money. Why not?

My mom is scaring me. She said things like this may jolly well be the last CNY together as a family.....

And i don't get why...things have to be this way..

家不像家, 有个家却没个家庭有什么用??。。。一个好好的家搞到最后我才发现原来这个家根本就不是一个家。 在好几年前就已经不存在。。。我还在执着着什么!!

将来的路怎么走。。。

谁真正能了解呢。。。。。。。。。。。

谁能了解我的心多么的痛。。。


Except...only my God...

16 Hear me, O LORD, for Your lovingkindness is good;
Turn to me according to the multitude of Your tender mercies.
17 And do not hide Your face from Your servant,
For I am in trouble;
Hear me speedily.
18 Draw near to my soul, and redeem it;
Deliver me because of my enemies.

19 You know my reproach, my shame, and my dishonor;
My adversaries are all before You.
20 Reproach has broken my heart,
And I am full of heaviness;
I looked for someone to take pity, but there was none;
And for comforters, but I found none.
21 They also gave me gall for my food,
And for my thirst they gave me vinegar to drink.

29 But I am poor and sorrowful;
Let Your salvation, O God, set me up on high.
30 I will praise the name of God with a song,
And will magnify Him with thanksgiving.
31 This also shall please the LORD better than an ox or bull,
Which has horns and hooves.
32 The humble shall see this and be glad;
And you who seek God, your hearts shall live.
33 For the LORD hears the poor,
And does not despise His prisoners.

.
.
.
.
.

34 Let heaven and earth praise Him,
The seas and everything that moves in them.
35 For God will save Zion
And build the cities of Judah,
That they may dwell there and possess it.
36 Also, the descendants of His servants shall inherit it,
And those who love His name shall dwell in it.

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Thursday, January 31, 2008 . 1:25 AM

最近老是觉得生活很无趣。没有一件事让我觉得值得开心。不知道是否是自己让自己不开心, 还是生活中的一些小小不如愿的事搞得我这么的苦恼。

生活真的。。。淡而无味。真的什么事都不能让自己开心起来。 我也开始觉得自己有够烂。 没事干吗扮忧郁。其实如果要我讲出一个我认为让我不开心的原因, 我也说不上来。我是不是越来越像我妈了?
即使我想说。。当事人未必明白我的意思,也无法照我的意思去满足我。 或许, 这就是让我觉得我不能做我自己。。。又想要摆明的说出我的想法却觉得说了也不会起什么大的作用, 那我讲来干吗? 左右为难,前后矛盾。。。自己觉得好烦好烦。。只能把所有的怨气和不开心发在一个爱我的诗强身上。 对他实在不公平。

我也了解我应该让主为我承担我的不快乐。 只有主的爱,恩 惠 和 平 安能再次让我觉得生活有意义也同时用个感恩的心去珍惜所有的事。

现在想一下,觉得我实在无聊。三更半夜不睡,还在这里发我的牢骚。。。。。叹气。。。
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Monday, January 28, 2008 . 12:03 AM

I'm blogging frm my phone,I juz realised tt I could designate blogger
to an email account, write an email n send to blogger n the entry wld
b published.
I wrote something about my office politics recently, unfortunately,
the file got corrupted n hence I couldnt juz transfer it from there to
here.too bad then...if not u guys would hv some entertaining stories
to amuse yourselves with.
All thess worldly stuufs r getting into mi.I haven't been exactly
happy for a long time.finding it hard to even put a smile to my face.I
only present a smiling face when there's someone w mi,bif im alone,
and sometimes I so wish to b alone..I would revert back to my smelly
sulking long face which weighs a ton, overly burdened to even smile.
I hate to work.n I want to b a tai tai!
Btw, if I use too many abbreviations, tts cos im using the phone to
type this,im sure u guys r experienced in reading sms languages..
Signing off now....
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